The tale of the tribe of lovers

There is a feeling that we all experience, at some point or the other in our lives, which cannot be explained with words, but it is there, an unexplained restless wistful gloominess.


A growing discontent, while having all that we had wished and worked for, while watching the dreams we had dreamed grow and take shape and being surrounded by the dreams that we had seen come true, and yet finding no sense of content or joy in our achievements.........there is a vague longing for something that we seemed to have missed in our life, like the center piece of jig-saw puzzle, without which the puzzle is meaningless, it's a feeling stubbornly resistant to all our attempts to escape its clutches, a feeling that, once when it enters the consciousness of our being just threatens to render our soul joyless and restless.

And it is then when u sit experiencing this feeling, trying to figure out what that missing piece of your life's jigsaw puzzle is, that u realize, that your soul is no longer being content with just being it's own company. And that this discontent is nothing but the emptiness of your soul, seeking an end to it's loneliness, seeking someone to share itself with, to be listened and understood. It is the emptiness of a living soul, that lies beneath the genesis of love.

It is this longing of a soul, that is love.

And thus it is no wonder, that love can be such a changing experience, because it is a soul, with a desire not to just exist with it's own self, but to share itself, to learn, and to grow. It is a soul no longer closed, rather one that is ready to brush past it's fellow companions in this sea of existence to fulfill it's destiny, ready not to just make it's presence felt, to feel the presence of others, ready to understand, because it seeks to be understood, ready to listen, because it no longer wants to speak to silence, rather it wants to talk out aloud and to be heard. And it is then that the soul begins it's journey to find other wanderers like it's own self, while searching for the one that shall be the one to quench it's thirst. It is this longing, that gives loves it's strength to bring about unfathomable changes. That opens one human being to reach out for another, to seek others like themselves.

So, when your souls is ready and it sounds the siren of it's longing, heed that call and let yourself experience the magic of love and let it light up the spark that is lying dormant within you, and watch the spectacle unfold, let your journey begin.........and though it will be a bitter sweet journey but when love has finished itself with u, and when u find your spring the sweetness of it shall not leave behind a memory of that bitter taste.

I have begun my journey....happy journey to those who are yet to begun and a prayer for a beautiful end for fellow travelers who are already on the quest.

Life

It was a beautiful early Winter's night yesterday, lit up with the silvery pale moonlight of a gorgeous moon accompanied with a solitary star and me, on it's journey into the night along the vast sky.
                                                         I just sat mesmerized, immersing myself in the slowly unfolding magical spectacle of nature. I let myself break free from the turbulent ocean of my everyday life, stepping into the flow of calm serenity of the peaceful night. I sat at peace with myself, at peace with life and all that it puts me through, with nothing but a warm sense of serene peace and calm within me.
                                                         It wasn't the first time I was experiencing this delight, but everytime I do, it makes me feel as if in these moments, life is whispering in my ears
                                                       ' Dear child, I never left you alone, that I am right here walking beside you, watching out for you every single minute. And that  I know that you have been walking the tough road for a while now, but tonight u can let go off your cares, while I wrap u in my embrace, tend to your wounds, fill u with joy and rejuvenate you. Tonight just breathe in, this peace, and let it heal you.'
                                                        These are the moments when, I let go and become a child, while life takes me in it's arms, listens to the dreams, the yearnings and the longings of my heart, slowly soothing me, giving me strength and hope to bring some true, and courage to let go the one's that have shattered.
                                                        These are the moments when I am thankful for being so blessed and loved. The moments when I am just happy to be, when I am not running after something or running away from something. In these moments I live life moment by moment, wishing that the night would just not end, that the day would never begin, that each moment would last forever.
                                                        In these moments, I know that I am richer than anyone else, because, even if these last for just a little while, and are rare to come by, in these moments I experience something more precious, than any treasure in the world could buy.
                                                   
                 These are the moments that make life worth all the sweat and toil it comes with. After all, no journey is complete without potholes and no journey is fun without a little rendezvous with adventure.

So, tarry on dear traveler, May life take care of u always and may love never leave u alone in your journey.
                                           

Things to do before I die

There are somethings that I have always wanted to do in my life. A few experiences that I have romanced with as ideas ,always dreaming that I would live them too someday.

Some of those dreams turned into reality, but a reality in which I found myself lost, before, I could finally figure out that I was actually living my own dreams that had come true.

 They taught me an important lesson, that, dreams do come true, but it is not necessary that they will come true just like I had imagined them. So, it is always important to remember our dreams, so that when we see them again with eyes wide open we don't forget them.

That is why, some days when I find myself moving far away from dreams, when something in my hearts tells me that my tiny little dreams (Ok! some which are bordering on madness) are fading away, I jot them down in my little list of 'Things to do before I die', the list which started off as a little one is now growing rapidly, but it is a precious reminder to me of the innocence that still lives within. Because dreams are precious, u never know which little one, just might change the course of your life, I cannot afford to loose mine.

I was making a tiny addition to that list tonight, when I just wondered why do I continue making this list longer, I found my answer in what I have shared above.

Keep dreaming, Keep living, and finding the dreams that come true in the Jigsaw puzzle called 'Our life'

दौड़

जो ना मिला जीवन में,

पीछे उसके दौड़ते दौड़ते

ज़िन्दगी निकल जाती है

अंत में बस मुठी भर राख रह जाती है ||

पा लेने को तो,

सारा जहाँ है, 

पर अंत में सबके हिस्से 

बस छे ग़ज ज़मी ही आती है||

बैंक- बैलेंस, गाड़ी, बंगला, नौकर- चाकर...

चाह का अंत है नहीं कहीं |

पाने को ख़ुशी जीवन में

दो पल सुकून के ही काफी हैं ||

My love

That smile,

which begins slowly at the corner of his lips,
unfolds petal by petal, like a blooming flower
erasing, as it travels, the worry laced wrinkles lining his forehead,
wiping off the scowl from his face and the piles of concerns from his mind,

That smile,

which travels from his lips,
lights up his heart , shines from within his eyes
and gazes at me from within his distant voice,
however long it lasts,

That smile,
is my love,
my life's joy,
my soul's wish within my every prayer.
His smile.

The story of an Unending Love Affair

This is how it all started,


When a series of unconnected happy and unhappy incidents and memories after travelling through a soul, sprung from within it, tiny brooks of emotions, which within the con-volutes of a mind, finally knotted together in a string of words......and when the desire of those words wanting to make themselves heard, finally led someone to hold in their hand a pen and paper.....

That is how it started, the love affair between,  the ink and the paper, when they first met each other through the stroke of a writer's hand, and began weaving together the yarn of their love....

And that yarn just kept growing, turning sometimes, into a happy and at others a sad love story or a poem or  a song. Sometimes into a musing, sometimes into biography, sometimes into a partly written or hurriedly scribbled incomplete piece of writing.....

but always echoing from within it, the whispers of a soul.

15th August 2011

15th August 2011

64 years since the stroke of midnight, when India, the Nation and it's people achieved their Independence, after a long and hard fought struggle.

64 years since, the pioneers of freedom struggle, who with the belief in their hearts and minds, that, a free people, who have witnessed the tyranny of being enslaved, would understand the true meaning of Independence, and cherish that understanding and freedom of free decision making, to make choices that would help every person live their life self righteously, upholding their beliefs and ethos and, thus, creating, A society and ultimately A nation, where they can do so freely without being forced to compromise their integrity and choices by the whims of a choicest few, gave to the people of India the gift of Independence.

64 years since, An entire nation and a society has collectively watched that dream fade away into the muck of  individual and progressing Corruption, which has swept far and wide through every aspect, be it bureaucratic, politics, economic, infrastructural, judicial, of the largest democracy in the world.

64 years to this day, where situation has come to a pass, that this entire nation is ravaged into a serious debate on how to bring accountability in this 'Democracy' of the people, by the people and for the people, by creating an Institution called as The Lokpal Bill, to bring about corrective measure.

The Lokpal Bill, is basically a proposition to create an independent body called,  The Lokayukt, that would be empowered to speedily investigate, any matters of irregularities brought to it's notice, without the need of prior government permission and thereafter submitting a report for action. 

The Debate that is going on is because : 

1) Of the lack of consensus on some proposals in the drafts of the aforesaid bill, as proposed by the Govt. Of India and that proposed, by a group of activists working for the cause, spear headed by a Gandhian, Anna Hazare. for example - whether to bring The higher judiciary & The prime minister within the preview of the bill?

                                 - the kind of punishment that should be decided once a person is found guilty, 

                                  - the kind of powers and autonomy that the lokayukt would have, 

                                  -how the lukayukt/lokayukt committee would be elected And 

                                  -how will the Lolayukt execute their proposed powers.

2) Because their is a doubt in the people, As to how can a Lokayukt maintain integrity in a rotten system, which in the first place led to the need of a Lokayakut. A fear in the minds, that Lukayakut might just end up joining the ever enlarging list of failed/corrupt institutions and because of the inherent structure of the bill, even an Independent and unchecked body of corruption.

The purpose of this post is neither to debate the Lokpal Bill, it's worth, or which group of thought is right or wrong, nor to go into the depth of issues concerned with it, rather it is to highlight a more important and alarming fact, which has been lost in all this ruckus..

                 That yes, there is no denying that 'Fighting corruption', is probably the biggest and most important problem that lies before our Nation today to continue it's functioning, but what is more important is, is addressing the root cause from where this monstrous growth is arising, and that is   :

" An overall degradation in the ethical and moral structure of the very people which constitute this Nation.  It is the time when we as individuals need to turn within ourselves for a major introspection. An introspection, of our ever enlarging egos, for our growing lack of respect for value of hard work, of our unchecked wants beyond our earned means, because we live in a nation which is suffering, in every aspect, with the problem of too few resources for too many people creating a wide divide of those who have a lot and those who have meager none."

And Unless this happens, bring as we many as we might laws, institutions, the monster of corruption shall fail to be defeated. And even as I write, I fully understand how naive and theoretical this suggestion sounds, I would still suggest, look into the individual that lives within,  remember that Individuals and societies coexists in a balance that forms a nation. That a nation moves on the wheels of it's individuals and not vice-versa. We can continue to lie to ourselves, continue justifying our wrongs in the names of need for survival in a worthless system, but the truth is, that We ourselves are responsible for the worthlessness of that System.

                     The choice lies with us. And there always is a choice. It's for us to choose now.

This independence came at the price of the blood of millions and we owe not just to them but to the generation that shall come after us, the answer to the question as to 'What we did with a legacy we were handed?'

Me and The struggling myself

It's been a while...I have been struggling with myself...I have been bugged, bothered, angry, low, disgusted...with myself, with if not many then atleast a few people around me....I have been struggling to find comfort, peace and understanding about myself and my life....none are coming....I tried drowning myself in work....It did not work....I tried drowning myself in books, in random things, cooking, painting...even plainly doing nothing....but nothing worked.....

                          My problem basically is and I think always has been that " I Want..."

I always seem to be wanting...I have....but I want more than what I have, if I don't want more then I want answers...I am just obsessed with wanting, never content forever ranting.

I have parents, who love me and care for me...but I want more...I want 'em to understand me...I want 'em to look at life through my eyes..appreciate my perspective, which is seemingly different from their own...and still love & care for me.....the conflict arises I try and talk..but I am too impatient and a bit angry and they are too unyielding, one thing leads to another..and the struggling begins...

I have people around me who care...who are around...but I want more...I want friends who I can count on...whom I can share with....on whom I can assert..I can't find any..I feel let down...and I wish...

I wanted to be a doctor...I am one...I don't want to be just a doctor...I want to be so much more..do so much more..be an artist, a writer, a dancer, a cook, a violinist, a kindergarten teacher, a traveller....I feel I made a wrong choice stepping into the shoes of a doctor..not 'cuz I lack the expertise..but 'cuz I lack the devoted consistent commitment to be a doctor...I feel lost...I feel foolish, unsure....and I struggle..

And then again..I just wonder why do I struggle so much with my life...I know I have more than many...why can't I take it as it is, like so many others do and go on...Why can't I remain happy with what I have?...I have learnt that life always knows the best for it's children, it puts us through only that much which it knows we can carry and it puts us where..we can do best what it wants us to...knowing and understanding all this...I still struggle with life...'cuz I just don't seem to find answers for why is all that is happening, happening...could life not have found a better and perhaps an easier way...I don't seem to understand a few things, why in the first place did life had to make me so discontent ...I struggle to understand...

I came across this post http://suz-beginagain.blogspot.com/2011/07/from-may-sartons-well.html today and a few questions started to make sense....
                 
                         Life I believe works through distillation i.e. the process of first heating a mixture to separate the more volatile from the less volatile parts, and then cooling and condensing the resulting vapor so as to produce a more nearly pure or refined substance......
                                           
 In life's processing the mixture is us, you, me all of us....it works on us slowly...separating the more volatile (in our case useless, maybe even harmful bits of our characters) from the less volatile (things that are better for us, making us less prone to self combustion!!!)....gradually and gradually cooling us through it's cold, at times harsh ways till the time is right.....to bring to light the refined, pure being that lies beneath all the muck....the being that It knew lay within, the being it had faith in , a faith that never wavered.


All we need to do is believe in the faith that life has in us...hold on to life's persistent prodding hand...not to struggle against life's flow...but to flow with it, I have struggled against the flow reached where I wanted to, only to learn, that it would have been better had I flown along...to believe that even if we can't see it at the moment...the road lies just beyond the next bush obscured from our sight...to just keep walking step by step, holding on to the faith...that


                          "Life like all mothers, knows the best for each of it's children and will always take care of it's children, it will let go only when it knows that we can handle the road that lays ahead and even then, it will always be just behind us to pull us up on our feet, if we shall stumble"


I know easier said, than done....but I shall keep the thought in my heart, hold on to it when nothing shall seem like....and struggle on instead of despairing....I shall keep moving. 


                                                    I Will Believe

The Nomad

When our ancestors found that wheat

Was a good bread to eat

They settled in Jericho.

All of us are settled now,

But in our souls there is a great woe:

We don't know where to go.

I am settled in a fine place

I own a house, I live in grace,

I have a patio

But late at night when the wind lament

And  the garden shivers - my soul is rent:

I don't know where to go.

One day when I say good-bye

To life and wife, and die and fly

somewhere in a great flow

I shall be free to roam again

I'll try to find but try in vain

Where to go, where to go.

- Henry Shore

I found this beautiful poem in the biography of JRD Tata "Beyond the last Blue mountain".....and it echoes the very emotion of the nomad within my soul. 

That's the beauty in poetry...you read a poem and find the very emotions of your soul mirrored in the words of someone else and you know that you are not alone on your road, that there have been many before you and that there shall be many who shall come after you. 

कुछ लम्हें सुकून के

रात में ढलती सुबह 

सुबह में गुम होती रात के बीच 

सपनों की रफ़्तार से भागती 

इस ज़िन्दगी में 

dhundhti हूँ कुछ लम्हें सुकून के |

सुबह सुबह दौड़ते हुए 

गरम टोस्ट और चाय की दो चुस्कियों में,

हडबडाहट में निगले 

माँ के प्यार से भरे लंच के डब्बे में,

शाम की काफ्फी के अरोमा से  

गुम होती दिनभर की थकान मे,

dhundhti हूँ कुछ लम्हें सुकून के |

कभी,

किताबों के पन्नो में छुपी कविता कहानियों में,

कभी,

दोस्तों के साथ बिताये लम्हों में,

कभी,

गानों की धुन में बहते हुए 

कभी,

रात के सन्नाटे में बहती हवा के स्पर्श में,

कभी,

मोंसून की पहली बारिश में भीगते हुए,

कभी,

अपनी छोटी से दुनिया से परे बसी विशाल दुनिया

देखने की कल्पनाओं में, 

dhundhti हूँ कुछ लम्हें सुकून के |

छोटी सी इस ज़िन्दगी में,

सब सपनों को जी जाने की

बहुत कुछ पाने और कर जाने की 

इस मह्त्वकान्षा की दौड़ में 

क्षणभर को थमकर

दूर से

दुनिया के इस समंदर में,

बहती अनगिनत जिंदगियों की धाराओं की 

छोटी छोटी खुशियों में 

dhundhti हूँ कुछ लम्हें सुकून के |

Real beauty

Real beauty is what the eyes of a mother see, every time she looks at her child. The love that stirs within the depths of her hearts making her child the most beautiful thing for her, wiping away everything else.

Real beauty is what you see through the trusting eyes of children, who with their faith believe that this world is a beautiful place, where no harm can ever reach them. Who entrusting the beauty of that faith, trust us with their hearts, mind and soul to nurture them.

Real beauty is what you see within the delight of a child running down a playground, in the face of a flower that makes u smile, in the moment which is long gone, but is a memory that makes the times gone by beautiful. In the memory that lasts with you like a light to light up the darkest moment of your life with it's beauty.

Real beauty lies in anything that touches our heart, soothing it, filling it with delight, irrespective of how long it lasted and what it looked like. What matters is not what can be seen on the surface but what shines from within.
                What matters is not what it looked like rather what it felt like while it lasted.

(This post was written as part of an entry in the IndiBlogger contest 'What real beauty means to you ?' )

The Choice

Over the years she had filled up every inch of her loneliness with work. All the while it seemed she was missing a lot, but she was so full with what she had, that all that which she was missing neither mattered nor did she care about it. She was happy with what she had. She had made a choice and locked up a few things and forgot about the key.


One day she found the key again. Opened the door and beyond it she found all that she was missing. She found all that she had chosen to forget. It was all so beautiful while she stood at the threshold and watched. Lured, She walked in. And it all turned into chaos and she was lost..


Gradually, she found her way back to the door again. Quickly turned the key and walked away. But this time she could not leave the key forgotten. She could not remember why she had chosen to lock away something as beautiful as what she saw beyond the door from her life. And One day, she opened the door again but this time, instead of venturing inside, she just stood watching from the door. It was all stunningly beautiful to watch, yet she could recall how the moment she had entered in last time it had all turned from beautiful into a dreadful mess, a tiring, trying and confusing chaos. A chaos where she had no clue of where she belonged, who she was and what did she want. She just stood there looking on for a long time before closing the door and walking away again.


This time she was consciously aware of the reason that had led her to her choice. She knew that there lay a world just as beautiful and just as complete as the world she had once dreamed of. But she could not be a part of it. She was one of those people who enjoy things behind the door by looking at them silently from afar. Just as there were others who enjoyed what she was creating from afar. She knew she was not complete and she knew her life even when filled with work was still empty. But She had found her peace in the choice she had made, even though she was missing a lot while living it because while she was living her choice she was at peace with what she did have and did not. 


And now she always kept the key with her. And she opened the door, whenever she grew weary of her choice and the emptiness it came with. She stood looking from afar filling herself and then locked the door to return back to her world. Holding on to the key like a child holds on to the world of his fantasies. It exists in the mind and the reality of the child but so does the world and the child lives in both. The world he walks in and the world he enjoys looking at . And however hard it may seem to him, He cannot live in the fantasy happily forever just as She could not live torn between her choice and her dream.

In the Rain

I walked on,
leaving behind
the walls of the world,
I am caged in.

I walked on,
feeling the rain seep within
feeling the cold drops sliding down my naked skin
feeling the calm soak within, embalming my bleeding soul

I walked on,
letting
the song of falling rain,
drown
the noise of restlessness
threatening to engulf me in.

Breaking free

far and long into the rain.

I walked on,
feeling alive with every new step.

I walked on
till the fire
raging within turned into embers
to rise again,
from the ashes of Peace within.

Atlas bled

Day after Day,
the burden of choice grew,
harder to bear,
heavier to carry

Heart pumped,
Veins thrummed,
gradually growing tired

Atlas bled,
still holding up.

for him,
it was a duty sacred,
to be performed,
like drawing of breath

while every breath,
suck out of him
life
moment after moment
like a poison

Still Atlas stood,
without a moan,
enduring the wounds
bleeding silent tears of blood

'cuz,
the wounds to him,
were like thorns
of the flower blooming from
seeds
lovingly sown
tenderly tended,
laboriously grown.

Thorns of the flower of love.

beneath the dust

I wandered again,
in the maze of locked doors,
long forgotten.

turned a few knobs,
listening to the screams of past,
that broke free

wished,
I had left undisturbed,
the dust covered rust of memories.

Remembering,
why the knobs had been left unturned,
and memories left to rust
beneath the dust.

Nowhere

Been a while since I blogged, Infact it's been a since I have written anything. It's as if a relentless writer's block has set in. I can't seem to catch the words and string 'em together, they come and go, taunting me, calling me from a distance, I hear their call, I see them....but I can't make myself stretch out to 'em and even if I make the effort, I loose 'em before I can reach 'em.

I am stuck in nothing, I am stuck with nothing and I am struggling like a fish who falls out of water, to escape this nothingness.

I have lost myself somewhere within my own self and I just can't seem to find the way, may be the words will return back to me and help me find an escape.

Till then I shall keep blundering through the darkness, trying to catch hold of those words which are playing hide and seek with me.

Randomness

I am just learning
and all my life,
I shall only have learnt
every passing moment, 
every passing day, 
year after year,
that i shall have lived.

2.4.2011

The Day in history when India won the Cricket World Cup Again after 28 years. I am not a very big Cricket fan, In fact I barely watch more than 3 Cricket Matches in a year, but even for me, This was a Moment. A moment I shall cherish, relive and experience again and again throughout my lifetime.

That moment when we won, the feeling, the delight, the exaltation, all in that one moment, when the prayers, hopes and dreams of 1.2 billion Indians all over the world came true, It's a moment in history, in lifetime, to experience, to live, a delight to be part of it. A memory that shall be cherished for years on by countless proud Indians.

For the world, which has heard that "Cricket is religion in India" and wonders what it means, The answer is - The celebrations in which a Nation of 1.2 billion people erupted as one, united irrespective of any and every difference, bound by national pride and joy to celebrate the one delight - THE WIN OF THE CRICKET WORLD CUP 2011, it is this strength to bring an entire nation together across the length and breath of the world, that makes Cricket a religion and one man - Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar GOD.

WE WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN #theroarofaproudIndian.

Randomness

To live,
To learn,
To love,
To laugh,
To spread "The Joy" with which I have been blessed
                   wherever I go
Let this be my Symphony.

Wrote this after reading the poem Symphony posted by Relyn here http://comesitbymyfire.blogspot.com/2011/03/sunday-morning-poetry_27.html

25.03.2011

25.03.2011

My birthday, another year of life gone by, another year to look forward to, to try and live my dreams, bring them true, to try and give back to life at least a bit more than what it gave me.

Had a great time, when I least expected to, felt loved and blessed to have people around me who love and care for me the way they do, in their own ways, sometimes I fail to understand them, fight with some, sometimes I fail to even acknowledge a few. In my greed to have much more, I sometimes slight the treasures that I already have in form of friends and family, but life never forgets to send me happy reminders :). This reminder was the beautiful gift life gave me this birthday.

I am thankful to be so blessed and loved. Thankful to life for being so kind to me, for the miracle of my existence, for taking such good care of me, for filling my life with the presence of so many who care so much. 

And I hope I give back to u, life at least a bit of what I have been gifted.

I Believe...

That the answer to those questions about life we keep coming across or asking ourselves time and again lie in :

Looking at life with the eyes and mind of a child, full of curiosity, curiosity not to understand life, but the curiosity of what life has to offer in return of the blind faith the child has placed in life.

Randomness

Keep still, my heart,
Nor ask for peace, when care may suit thee best,
Nor ask for love, nor joy, nor even rest,
But be content to love, whate'er betide,
And maybe love will bring thee to Love's side 


- Cheiro

Being me

(My apologies for the length of this post, to any one who does read this!!, I don't think there will be many)

I remember being 15 days into 2011 (the year of the rabbit) and feeling like I had already lived through an entire year and dreading the rest of the year that was to come, Now having lived through 2 months of 2011 I wonder if I will scrape through this year intact and sane, chances are looking dim...

In these two months, the major emotions that have been on my mind, have been, 

Massive confusion, the feeling of hanging by the pendulum in between choices, where u know that one isn't very healthy for you and the other though healthy isn't what u would like to live with (I for some unfathomable reasons have the tendency to go for the fatalistic choices for the purpose of my joyful existence!!, I guess I was born in the year of the Mad hatter)

Growing helplessness, hopelessness & irritation having to deal day in and out with a family which on the pretext of love & concern is increasingly becoming more and more limiting, hindering and irrational. I can't turn my back on them for all the love I have for them and all that I owe to them and I can't go on living a compromise for the sake of them.

Somebody told me I am looking to live in a perfect world, when I expect my family to be understanding (considering I am a female species living in a country like India, with parents who are educated forward looking blokes, but are hard core conservatives when it comes down to walking off the set line.), the person told me living is a compromise, Family when it comes to family, World when it comes to world.

My question is Why? I have no answer. I can understand compromising in the world, they are strangers, U don't expect them to understand you, with them U have to fight for your terms and conditions (but, I have come across quite a few angelic strangers) but Why does one has to compromise to make people who are your own happy, Isn't love and concern supposed to releasing as against binding and holding u back from living your dreams? I think the problem lies in expecting or expectations (as a stranger on a random encounter had once told me)

And before somebody thinks, that I have forgotten my blessing, no I haven't, I know I am more blessed than many, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try and wish to be more blessed. 

All in all, I am, off late feeling like a jerk, a hard core selfish, self centered person. I think the problem lies not with others but with me, that I am plain incapable of adjustments, understanding, being happy or sustaining relationships. Gosh! I so hate myself for being me.

change

life goes on, 
joy comes by, so does sorrow 
love touches and passes by 
seasons come and go by,
people walk in and walk away,
only u remain changed, 
and yet chained
till death finally comes by.

‎...the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~Walt Whitman, "O Me! O Life!" .


 Make it a beautiful verse, 
one that when touches the eyes, makes 'em smile, 
when spoken sounds like a melody,
when heard sounds like joyous hope,
and touches one and all with a healing tenderness.

Resolutions 2011 - cooking

Well, I havn't forgotten and I am making efforts to cook. Bought quite a few cook books on the cuisines I wanted to try this year, that is Lebanese, Italian and Indian.

Started my cooking experiment, On Sunday 13th Feb, with an innovation of my own, a sweet dish made by grinding together almonds and raisins into a paste, with a little warm milk and cardamom, to be eaten chilled. (Everyone liked it, i'll just need to tweak the proportions a bit ;D)

Today, tried my hand at Lebanese cooking, Made falafel with hummus, fried chick peas and pita bread salad, as per the recipe, given in Nita Mehta's guide to Lebanese cooking. It turned out to be good and I felt so happy to have cooked an entire meal all by myself, I was literally jumping on the floor.

Now, I can really say, It is a joy to cook, all you need for cooking is to love food and readiness to experiment.

My cooking experiments shall continue..keep looking at this space for more such joyous cooking filled posts.

Thank You

Been a long time since I did the New year resolutions - Thank you post, no wonder I have been feeling so heavy under the weight of all the Thank you's waiting to be said.

Had been busy preparing for an exam, which mattered a lot and turned out to be a real kick in the ass. But I owe it to an amazing set of family and friends who were kind enough to tolerate me with my never ending panic attacks and mood swings. and here begins the Thank you Roll -

 Mom and Dad - Boy they have patience, to have brought me up and to have tolerated me all these years and to still want to bear with me. Hats off. I wish, more than anything that my choices would make you happy and am waiting for the day when they will make u happy (yeah I have hopes, that that day will come some day).

Bhai - for all the lemon tarts he got me, I owe my weight gain to them.

Surubhi - well, well, well, I am just thankful for my blessings, that I have her in my life and that she hasn't decided to disown me yet, after all my brattiness, I love you mumma and Though it may seem like, I don't value your words, concerns and presence in my life, I am aware of the treasure I have in the form of your words, your presence, the understanding that u give me and am thankful for it, but that doesn't mean I won't ask for more :P :P

Adee - A big big big very big thank you HD, for not just your wishes, but your words, for being around when am low, for making me smile and knowing when u need to make me smile and for letting me be what I am. And if the stamp paper guarantee, you have given me turns true, partying it shall be. I am blessed to have you around and I am always aware of that.

KP - (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for being the sweetest and the bestest thing to happen to me and for tolerating my panic tantrums, for all your wishes and prayers (i hope they work
).

Anirudhha and Vineet - Thankyou for your wishes and the wake up call and pep up talks.

Kaushik and Himanshu - Thank you for the wishes, If I make it through the exam, I'll torture u more with my dactari :P :P

Amit, Prachi, Pranav, Sumit, Masi, Masaji, Mamu, Nani Thank you for all your wishes and love. Love u all.

Rahul and Anoop - for making bloodaid possible, for all your efforts and help.

Rahul Uncle - For your love and concern.

Monica - U are the sweetest friend.

My maid, my driver for their kind wishes and for making my life, as easy as it.

To pallavi, Gautam, Surubhi, Kaushik, Vineet and Himanshu - for all the fun we had over the weekend.

And to countless other people who knowingly or unknowingly make my life easier, and have kept me in your prayers, I do make it a point to say Thank you to all these people but still. And though u may not read this or even need this. I need to say this. Because, When I say Thank You, I offer my gratitude, for things for which I can't give back anything in return.

I am blessed to have u all around.

The Conflict

Off late I have spent more time worrying, thinking, dejected, confused and irritated than happy and content. I have not a had a moment's peace or bliss. It's like there is a storm brewing in the ocean of my heart, mind and soul which has distorted and disheveled my calm, leaving me torn.

Why?

Because I am at war with my Ownself. A war in which I have lost my focus on how to move about in life to achieve my goals. I do not know when exactly this war started or what lead to it, but now I am in the center of this storm, beyond which I cannot see and within which I can no longer stand.

The conflict is between,

 The heart of a child, who wishes to remain a child, who looks at the world still with it's childish eyes, wishes to walk in it holding on to it's innocence, live in it like it's a playground, living everyday as a delight fulfilling it's dreams.

 The mind of an adult, who's walked into the big bad world, seen the cruel harsh reality that lies within, has been crushed by what it has seen and dreads that world. The mind which knows that to walk unscathed in this  world it cannot escape compromise and practicality. That the easiest way, though not the best and dead boring is probably the most secure.

The soul, which wishes to embrace the child, hide her away from the world, and watch her grow and flourish nourished by the innocence of heart and the delight of living her dreams. The soul, which fears for her child, walking into the world, that mind has seen and knows that her child shall not remain unscathed and yet is unwilling to let the child walk the path that the mind tells her is secure.

I have lost my focus in this war, I do not wish anymore to be a rat in a rat race of which I unwillingly became a part and follow the asses of the rest of the rats. I no longer know how to walk in this world being myself, how to fulfill those dreams with which I'd set out. The war is starting to wear me out now and I do not know for how long I can hold on.

                                               Oh Life! why can't some children always remain children.

Love

Love,  to those who have found it.
Quest,  to those in search of it,
void endless,  to those who are yet to find it,
Pain excruciating,  to those who have lost it.

Resolutions 2011 - Thank You - week 1

                                  Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.  ~G.B. Stern


And that is why, I have decided to give words to mine, how soever tiny the expression may be, but I will voice it.

The first week of a New year....don't we expect so much from it, and that too all good, positive, promising...I do...and though my year started beautifully, thanks to this bunch of amazing friends, @Surubhi and @Adee and the awesome body size teddy they gave to me as a gift...I was over the clouds and moon lugging him around, my precious teddy and @Kaushik the turtle loving, adorable but bully lawyer, it was nice to patch up again and my brother, with his cute New year kiss...the week just din't live up to my hopeful expectations, Infact it went on from bad to worse.....and I still don't know when and where and how it will end.

But thanks to Surubhi, for being around, every single minute and helping me through, listening to my rants, bearing with my endless pessimism and not giving up on me...I just owe this amazing person in my life, a big Thank You and loads of love.

Thanks to mom and dad, for everything and to life for everything that I have and that it will send my way.
To Relyn for her blog & this post and to Elena for joining in my journey to live my resolutions. To Kanishka and Aniruddha Pathak for keeping me in their prayers.

Thank you all for being a part of my life and making it beautiful this week. Lots of love.

                                                                 

  Thank You

Woods are lovely, dark and deep..

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost.

I first read this poem of Robert Frost when I was 8 yrs old, and I have been in love with it ever since, this poem was my introduction to the beautiful world of poetry and the beginning of my love affair with poetry.......Every time I come across the lines ' The woods are.....' my heart sighs...

'The Woods are lovely, dark and deep, and I wish I had no promises to keep'

Why did life have to make those woods so lovely, dark and deep and then leave me with endless promises to keep? is the question that is echoing in my tired heart tonight.

Resolutions 2011

I have a few resolutions for this year...the first and the most important one of them being...living and working my resolutions. Having said that, I will actually begin living most of my resolutions after 6th of Feb (the day I have the most important exam of my life ahead.)

1) Every week I'll write a Thank You post to all the people who made a difference in my life the past week...it's just a small gesture of acknowledging my gratitude to them and to life for bringing them my way and enriching me

2) Every Sunday morning, I'll take a break from all the ho hum of my life, and spend a little while with my stillness in company of poetry, painting reading or musing.

3) I am going to get down to some serious cooking, from just reading recipes, food blogs and eating..I am going to get down to cooking, learning, experimenting and growing as a cook...with trying at least 2-3 new recipes every week, cuisines for this year are Italian, Indian and Lebanese.

4) I am going to working on growing as a photographer by teaching myself, reading, asking help from photographers I know...by the end of this year I want to figure out a few themes I had like to take up as photo assay and also learn how to work with a DSLR.

5) To Try and get back to dancing (if and only if my back permits)

These are my resolutions for 2011, things I had like to do for my personal and emotional growth as a human being....'cuz
                      to live, is to grow and to grow one needs to keep learning and doing.

Please feel free to join me in this journey....with your encouragement, guidance or even your mere watchful presence, as u watch me walk and stumble along my road. I welcome you with willingness to learn, gratitude in heart and smile on my lips.

A stranger

Like a stranger
I walk,
amongst my own.
I speak,
hoping to be heard by ears now deaf.
I wait,
for words of care from lips now dumb.

seeking a warmth of understanding,
I run,
from the strangers silent and known
to find myself,
amongst strangers silent and unknown.

A stranger, I am
on a quest,
to find a place,
where I am a stranger no more,
where faces are warm and familiar,
where I can be me and not seem strange.

I shall walk on,
on the roads unworn...
to a destination unknown.

One Life

One life, to live
one life, to be.

One life, to dream
one life, to live 'em all.

one life, to make promises
one life, to keep them.

One life, to love,
one life, to be loved.

One life, to laugh,
one life, to spread the smile.

One life, to cry,
one life to wipe the tears away.

One life, to lean on,
one life, to lend out a helping hand.

One life,
to care,
to feel,
to share,
to give and to take.

one life,
to walk through the woods,
to swim down the rivers,
to climb up mountains.

one life,
to get drenched in the rains,
to walk through the falling snow,
to shiver against the touch of cold winters

One life,
to watch the day rise to the silent whispers of night
to watch flowers bloom,
to sing the song of grass and trees.


One life,
too short,
to be spent held back in chains

One life,
is all we have,
before the candle of life burns out.

One life,
to make it count,
while the countdown
of the clock that's ticking away lasts.

Randomness

Lost
into uncertainity,
while words keep up,
their game of hide & seek.......

I hope I find my way back to myself again....Dear life waiting for u to take my hand again and bring me back into your light.