Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Conflict

Off late I have spent more time worrying, thinking, dejected, confused and irritated than happy and content. I have not a had a moment's peace or bliss. It's like there is a storm brewing in the ocean of my heart, mind and soul which has distorted and disheveled my calm, leaving me torn.


Because I am at war with my Ownself. A war in which I have lost my focus on how to move about in life to achieve my goals. I do not know when exactly this war started or what lead to it, but now I am in the center of this storm, beyond which I cannot see and within which I can no longer stand.

The conflict is between,

 The heart of a child, who wishes to remain a child, who looks at the world still with it's childish eyes, wishes to walk in it holding on to it's innocence, live in it like it's a playground, living everyday as a delight fulfilling it's dreams.

 The mind of an adult, who's walked into the big bad world, seen the cruel harsh reality that lies within, has been crushed by what it has seen and dreads that world. The mind which knows that to walk unscathed in this  world it cannot escape compromise and practicality. That the easiest way, though not the best and dead boring is probably the most secure.

The soul, which wishes to embrace the child, hide her away from the world, and watch her grow and flourish nourished by the innocence of heart and the delight of living her dreams. The soul, which fears for her child, walking into the world, that mind has seen and knows that her child shall not remain unscathed and yet is unwilling to let the child walk the path that the mind tells her is secure.

I have lost my focus in this war, I do not wish anymore to be a rat in a rat race of which I unwillingly became a part and follow the asses of the rest of the rats. I no longer know how to walk in this world being myself, how to fulfill those dreams with which I'd set out. The war is starting to wear me out now and I do not know for how long I can hold on.

                                               Oh Life! why can't some children always remain children.


Yoli said...

"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken." ~William Stafford

Elena said...

Ok I read this and smiled all along. I guess three years ago now I walked out on that rat race (loved that you said following the rat's ass) sickened by the humans I found myself surrounded by. I'm at a crossroads now, yearning the life I left because of practical reasons and knowing that it's time to move into what my soul yearns and trusting that the practical will fall into place. I don't have answers Meeta but trust that you've reached a good point and will begin to search for your truth.

Elena said...

I thought of you after my latest post. If you visit look for the one marked Ding! Ding! Fight!

meeta said...

@Yoli Thanku for visiting my blog and stopping by and leaving these motivating words :)

meeta said...

@Elena I have a few answers...but to live them I shall have to wait a while..there are things to be done to earn m freedom..a price to be paid..for something thats mine but 'cu I have found it in a world which is run by a preposterous code of conduct.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'm not a fan of the rat race either, but you do what you have to do to make a living in this world. Lily Tomlin said, "The worst thing about the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat!" LOL!

Surubhi said...

Being a fatalist I'd say keep'll go where you're supposed to go. Try not to let life's cruelties win over you coz that's the only thing in life which is in your hand...the rest is destiny :)

Suz said...

better a war going on then dullness
answers will come
don't be in a hurry to get to a place that takes time to get to

meeta said...

@Debra wish at the end of my race i'll b anything but the rat :)

meeta said...

@surubhi i believe that life knows the best place for each of us, but the games it plays are just exasperating

meeta said...

@Suz amen