Saturday, July 23, 2011

Me and The struggling myself

It's been a while...I have been struggling with myself...I have been bugged, bothered, angry, low, disgusted...with myself, with if not many then atleast a few people around me....I have been struggling to find comfort, peace and understanding about myself and my life....none are coming....I tried drowning myself in work....It did not work....I tried drowning myself in books, in random things, cooking, painting...even plainly doing nothing....but nothing worked.....

                          My problem basically is and I think always has been that " I Want..."

I always seem to be wanting...I have....but I want more than what I have, if I don't want more then I want answers...I am just obsessed with wanting, never content forever ranting.

I have parents, who love me and care for me...but I want more...I want 'em to understand me...I want 'em to look at life through my eyes..appreciate my perspective, which is seemingly different from their own...and still love & care for me.....the conflict arises I try and talk..but I am too impatient and a bit angry and they are too unyielding, one thing leads to another..and the struggling begins...

I have people around me who care...who are around...but I want more...I want friends who I can count on...whom I can share with....on whom I can assert..I can't find any..I feel let down...and I wish...

I wanted to be a doctor...I am one...I don't want to be just a doctor...I want to be so much more..do so much more..be an artist, a writer, a dancer, a cook, a violinist, a kindergarten teacher, a traveller....I feel I made a wrong choice stepping into the shoes of a doctor..not 'cuz I lack the expertise..but 'cuz I lack the devoted consistent commitment to be a doctor...I feel lost...I feel foolish, unsure....and I struggle..

And then again..I just wonder why do I struggle so much with my life...I know I have more than many...why can't I take it as it is, like so many others do and go on...Why can't I remain happy with what I have?...I have learnt that life always knows the best for it's children, it puts us through only that much which it knows we can carry and it puts us where..we can do best what it wants us to...knowing and understanding all this...I still struggle with life...'cuz I just don't seem to find answers for why is all that is happening, happening...could life not have found a better and perhaps an easier way...I don't seem to understand a few things, why in the first place did life had to make me so discontent ...I struggle to understand...

I came across this post http://suz-beginagain.blogspot.com/2011/07/from-may-sartons-well.html today and a few questions started to make sense....
                 
                         Life I believe works through distillation i.e. the process of first heating a mixture to separate the more volatile from the less volatile parts, and then cooling and condensing the resulting vapor so as to produce a more nearly pure or refined substance......
                                           
 In life's processing the mixture is us, you, me all of us....it works on us slowly...separating the more volatile (in our case useless, maybe even harmful bits of our characters) from the less volatile (things that are better for us, making us less prone to self combustion!!!)....gradually and gradually cooling us through it's cold, at times harsh ways till the time is right.....to bring to light the refined, pure being that lies beneath all the muck....the being that It knew lay within, the being it had faith in , a faith that never wavered.


All we need to do is believe in the faith that life has in us...hold on to life's persistent prodding hand...not to struggle against life's flow...but to flow with it, I have struggled against the flow reached where I wanted to, only to learn, that it would have been better had I flown along...to believe that even if we can't see it at the moment...the road lies just beyond the next bush obscured from our sight...to just keep walking step by step, holding on to the faith...that


                          "Life like all mothers, knows the best for each of it's children and will always take care of it's children, it will let go only when it knows that we can handle the road that lays ahead and even then, it will always be just behind us to pull us up on our feet, if we shall stumble"


I know easier said, than done....but I shall keep the thought in my heart, hold on to it when nothing shall seem like....and struggle on instead of despairing....I shall keep moving. 


                                                    I Will Believe

8 comments:

Rachit said...

When you the solution to your problem than why to worry? Often we came across situations where we don't know what's good for us and fall for a trap. But yeah destiny plays a major role.

Cheers,
Weakest Link

DocPanacea said...

Wanting something from life and always keeping on wanting something in life is not bad at all.. It means that you love life.. and u seek good things out of it..

Expectations from others and from your own self is normal.. happens with everyone of us.. Hope that god gives you what you want from life.. Wishing you loads of luck in achieving your never ending dreams.. keep writing.. :-)

Relyn said...

These are marvelous, honest heart-musings. Thank you for sharing them here.

Adee said...

really honest and soulful read.
even within the boundaries of this small post, you were able to kind of cool down after starting quite volatile, it was as if what you were writing was having a live, real time effect on you! and am sure those who'll read it calmly, it'll have the same effect on them.
very very nice post. kudos my little friend :)

meeta said...

@Rachit Thank you for dropping by and leaving your feedback. Everyone needs to reach their solutions..some reach 'em easily..some gradually..i am doing so gradually.

meeta said...

@DocPanacea Thank you for dropping by and for your encouraging words and wishes :)

meeta said...

@Relyn Thank you so very much..for dropping by, spending your time reading the posts and for remembering me in your thoughts even when u are on a vacation. Thank you ((hugs)) and have a great time.

meeta said...

@Adee Thank you...and yes u are right...I was having a live catharsis within myself as I went on writing this post :)