(My apologies for the length of this post, to any one who does read this!!, I don't think there will be many)
I remember being 15 days into 2011 (the year of the rabbit) and feeling like I had already lived through an entire year and dreading the rest of the year that was to come, Now having lived through 2 months of 2011 I wonder if I will scrape through this year intact and sane, chances are looking dim...
In these two months, the major emotions that have been on my mind, have been,
Massive confusion, the feeling of hanging by the pendulum in between choices, where u know that one isn't very healthy for you and the other though healthy isn't what u would like to live with (I for some unfathomable reasons have the tendency to go for the fatalistic choices for the purpose of my joyful existence!!, I guess I was born in the year of the Mad hatter)
Growing helplessness, hopelessness & irritation having to deal day in and out with a family which on the pretext of love & concern is increasingly becoming more and more limiting, hindering and irrational. I can't turn my back on them for all the love I have for them and all that I owe to them and I can't go on living a compromise for the sake of them.
Somebody told me I am looking to live in a perfect world, when I expect my family to be understanding (considering I am a female species living in a country like India, with parents who are educated forward looking blokes, but are hard core conservatives when it comes down to walking off the set line.), the person told me living is a compromise, Family when it comes to family, World when it comes to world.
My question is Why? I have no answer. I can understand compromising in the world, they are strangers, U don't expect them to understand you, with them U have to fight for your terms and conditions (but, I have come across quite a few angelic strangers) but Why does one has to compromise to make people who are your own happy, Isn't love and concern supposed to releasing as against binding and holding u back from living your dreams? I think the problem lies in expecting or expectations (as a stranger on a random encounter had once told me)
And before somebody thinks, that I have forgotten my blessing, no I haven't, I know I am more blessed than many, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try and wish to be more blessed.
All in all, I am, off late feeling like a jerk, a hard core selfish, self centered person. I think the problem lies not with others but with me, that I am plain incapable of adjustments, understanding, being happy or sustaining relationships. Gosh! I so hate myself for being me.