Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Being me

(My apologies for the length of this post, to any one who does read this!!, I don't think there will be many)

I remember being 15 days into 2011 (the year of the rabbit) and feeling like I had already lived through an entire year and dreading the rest of the year that was to come, Now having lived through 2 months of 2011 I wonder if I will scrape through this year intact and sane, chances are looking dim...

In these two months, the major emotions that have been on my mind, have been, 

Massive confusion, the feeling of hanging by the pendulum in between choices, where u know that one isn't very healthy for you and the other though healthy isn't what u would like to live with (I for some unfathomable reasons have the tendency to go for the fatalistic choices for the purpose of my joyful existence!!, I guess I was born in the year of the Mad hatter)

Growing helplessness, hopelessness & irritation having to deal day in and out with a family which on the pretext of love & concern is increasingly becoming more and more limiting, hindering and irrational. I can't turn my back on them for all the love I have for them and all that I owe to them and I can't go on living a compromise for the sake of them.

Somebody told me I am looking to live in a perfect world, when I expect my family to be understanding (considering I am a female species living in a country like India, with parents who are educated forward looking blokes, but are hard core conservatives when it comes down to walking off the set line.), the person told me living is a compromise, Family when it comes to family, World when it comes to world.

My question is Why? I have no answer. I can understand compromising in the world, they are strangers, U don't expect them to understand you, with them U have to fight for your terms and conditions (but, I have come across quite a few angelic strangers) but Why does one has to compromise to make people who are your own happy, Isn't love and concern supposed to releasing as against binding and holding u back from living your dreams? I think the problem lies in expecting or expectations (as a stranger on a random encounter had once told me)

And before somebody thinks, that I have forgotten my blessing, no I haven't, I know I am more blessed than many, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try and wish to be more blessed. 

All in all, I am, off late feeling like a jerk, a hard core selfish, self centered person. I think the problem lies not with others but with me, that I am plain incapable of adjustments, understanding, being happy or sustaining relationships. Gosh! I so hate myself for being me.

9 comments:

Elena said...

Dearest Meeta you made me laugh because this is NOT a long post at all. YOu've SEEN mine! And at the risk of offending you (I apologize up front if I do and don't mean to at all). I think the angst you are feeling is coming from wanting to live in the way you feel is expected of you to make family happy and living your truth...that which makes you happy. It's not selfish to want to be happy. When you're happy in turn it raises the vibration of those around you; thus making them happy. Is compromise an option? Can you do a little of what you want to do to show family that it would be ok? They probably want the best for you but ultimately we have to live our own lives, make our own mistakes and get ourselves out of them. Think of compromise as a balancing game. You both have to give a little until you reach a happy balance.

meeta said...

@Elena my dear heart, u don't have to apologize for anything, I am kind of used to keep ranting once i get down to writing, so i post that statutory message.

Thank ypu for your words and advice, i really like the bit about making our own mistakes and getting ourselves out of them. And i'll try balancing the compromise bit. Lets see how it turns out to be.

Elena said...

Forgot to tell you if you have a chance look at the book "becoming a life change artist..." by Fred Mandell PhD and Kathleen Jordan PhD

Elena said...

I don't know if my second post went through so I wanted to tell you to take a peek at a book called "Becoming a Life Change Artist..." by Fred Mandell, PhD & Kathleen Jordan PhD. If you ever want to chat send me an email.

Surubhi said...

Meeta rani....you only compromise with people you love coz you don't want to hurt them.....why would you want to compromise with strangers...they're nobody. You just need to hang in there....this is something that will pass but it will take it's own time to settle...and no matter what you do you will have to give it that time and deal with all the contradictions it brings to you life....coz just like your parents aren't gonna be happy if you're unhappy....you will not be happy if they're not happy.

meeta said...

@Elena thanku for the suggestion, will find the book and read and will get in touch with u too..thank u once again :)

meeta said...

@surubhi well u have achieved a feat, ur post was longer than ever!!! and i do agree with quite a bit of it :)

Relyn said...

Don't hate yourself for being you. Not even for a moment. You have so many gifts to offer. Blessings on you, my friend.

meeta said...

@Relyn thanku :)