In words - The year that was

As the new year is waiting around the corner, to sneak upon me, with only it knows what, and I prepare to embrace it with all it's uncertainty, I am taking a moment to breathe, to hold on to 2013, before I let go.

Letting go, not an easy thing to do, but when you think of it, it isn't easy to be let off either. Sad isn't it to be forgotten, left behind as life moves on. I believe this is the thought that lies behind make farewells a happy occasion, to make the awful feeling that comes with goodbyes better. And so I shall bid a jolly good bye to 2013, by reminiscing all the lovely memories I owe it.

I began the year with a few unspoken resolutions, like the resolution to travel somewhere every month or atleast once in two months or the resolution to improve my cooking skills and knowledge or the resolution to work on self improvement, the resolution to swim more etc etc. To begin with, working on each of them was tough, but persistence and patience, these two words my dear readers, if u get the hang of them, can make a difference in your life like none. Not that I have gotten a hang of them, but I get the idea.

So, I travelled, and to my own amazement, roads began opening, sometimes I would find ways, sometimes ways found me - Goa, Leh, Ladakh, Beijing, San Francisco, Napa, Berkeley, Saint Augustine, Orlando, Miami, Keywest, Saint Petersberg, Tampa, NewYork, Koh Samui, Bangkok- cities ticked off from the travel map, Yes, but more than that, experiences gained, lessons learnt, realizations gained, life experienced, fears conquered.

I cooked, read about food, tasted and again, learnt - Magic can be found within the simplest of things, food teaches u this, not just this, it teaches you to love, to care, to appreciate what you have.

Swimming, it teaches u the value of stillness, to float within the moment, to be able not to chase nor look back. To experience what is. To reach and find peace within, before trying to search for it outside, and though I am not even half way through making peace with myself, I am learning.

Life, people within it, every moment it comes with, has so much for us, to learn, to grow and leave
behind our distinct imprints, if only we are willing, willing to open our hearts, our minds and ourselves.

2013 has taught me a lot, and hopefully it leaves behind in me a better person, a stronger person, filled with ideas and energy to make the year to come an even more fulfilling and fun filled experience.

Moments, that are worth a lifetime, in one lifetime. What more can one ask for? A lot, I know, being human our wants know no end, but despite that, I bid adieu to another year in the calendar of my life on a content, joyful and thankful note. 

                                                 Happy New Year

Thank you

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas is a crazy time of the year for me. I love it, it fills my heart with joy and yet it is the time of the year when I find my heart filled with a sadness that I can never explain. My being aches with a silent pain, that only my heart can understand. I wade through despair and yet before the midnight strikes, the joy which is essence of this tradition rescues me.

The essence of Christmas is joy, the joy that comes from sharing, from opening our lives and hearts for those around us and also from receiving and finding ourselves surrounded with love, care and people. It is all this that makes life so much more fuller, enriched and happier. And It is the absence of this feeling which makes my heart ache. The empty feeling that comes with a lonely existence.

And every year, this is the feeling that strikes me as the Christmas season starts, and every year secretly in my heart, this is all I wish for, when I ask, that I may be able to experience the spirit of Christmas. And even though year after year, I end up being all by myself on Christmas, I end up finding within my heart joy, joy when I remember, all that I have to be thankful for, just as I did this year.

Being thankful, for a wonderful year of travel, of experiences that I shall forever cherish, for memories that shall drive the winter away from my heart, whenever it strikes. Thankful for all that I was given by life unasked. For the warmth of my bed, while there are so many out there who lie shivering in the cold, for a full meal, while countless sleep hungry, for clothes on my body, shoes in feet, for a family, for health.

Thank you life for all this and so much more that I have. And, all I wish for, is for enough strength in being and enough joy in my heart to be able to makes the most of what I have been blessed with, to make life more blissful for those around me.

And, so like every year, I ask from Dear Santa, bless me with love, joy, travel, ability to dream and the strength to bring true those dreams. Fill my stocking with all that u have in store for me so that I
can make every moment that I have of this lifetime meaningful. Give to my loved ones, family and friends all that they wish for and much more. May life take care of them always and may love never leave them alone.

                                        Merry Christmas! may you find within your hearts the spirit of Christmas and in your lives the joy of being. Good tidings to you, wherever you are, whoever you are.

Travelogue - Experiences

I have been travelling since the last two weeks. Boy! What a time I have been having.

Beijing, San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma, Berkeley, Saint Augustine, Orlando so far and the list will grow over the coming weeks.

I have seen, read, heard, talked, experienced so much in terms of cultures, people, food, life that I am still soaking it all in. I had promised myself a daily record, and even though I am working on it, I am just on day one, I am going to try and find time to get the words on the paper before they start fading away.
But even if the words fade away, the stories won't be entirely lost, they will remain in pictures, experiences, feelings and memories.....

A sneak peek into the experiences -

Beijing - a myth busted, china explored, cultural contrasts, colours, The Great Wall, a new sensual awakening.

San Francisco - found  myself again, rediscovered the traveller, explorer and entrepreneur in me. Faced my fears, struggled and got beyond them. Found my crazy un contained, uncontrolled source of energy back while falling in love with this city.

Napa and Sonoma - a sensual delight. The lovely colours of autumn, the fairy tale houses, wineries and vineyards. The poet within me was awakened again.

Berkeley - quiet city. Churning within it's urn countless minds. Oh! Didn't I feel as if the slate of my mind
had been wiped clean and I was ready to begin again. To start afresh, to become a student again.

Saint Augustine - took me to Spain and Mexico, partying on the road, sound of music wafting through the street, the care free aroma of the weekend in the air, pitchers of sangria and Latin music. A long drive in a convertible with wind blowing through your hairs. What more does one want from a weekend.

Orlando - quiet laid back, city of lakes and Disney ( as everyone keeps telling me) , a little time of hibernation before I let loose the wanderer within again.

                        As I travel I find again the bits of me that I had lost to this world.
          We travellers, we are a strange breed - Finders Keepers. Treasure seekers. Treasure keepers.

Begin Again - US travelogue

Yet again I find myself sitting at the airport, waiting to begin another journey and wondering in my mind, why am I doing this?

This is the most exasperating part of the whole journey, as far as I am concerned. More exasperating than all the crazy planning, bookings, budgeting, convincing the family, applying for leaves blah blah (the usual list of a frequent traveller's rants).  It is especially exasperating and annoying when you have spent over 3 months planning for the trip, only to find yourself sitting plagued with self-doubt, questioning your own motives.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh. It is exasperating. This is the moment before every trip when all my euphoria, excitement and lust for travel disappears and is replaced by the black hole of worries about all the things that can go wrong on the journey, worries about having burnt my hard earned bank balance on probably a pain in ass ( I mean the journey and discomforts that come along with being away from the comforts of home), worries about missing my flight, forgetting my passport (these are the few reasonable ones but there are absolutely hilarious ones as well) worries about family, my patients and what not.

It is no wonder people find me in absolute tatters at the start of my travels, and if I were to ever marry I am sure my husband would send me on vacations just to enjoy watching me in this state of absolute discomfort.

And this makes me wonder if this anxiety comes to me because I am not a natural traveller. It is a
passion that I have acquired. It also makes me wonder how I have let myself become a puppet to my fears and my limits.

So, I am off for a month long vacation, beginning with Beijing to San Francisco to Florida to New York before I get back home. And yes, even though I can hardly figure out all the things that I planned to do, maybe it is a good thing, because then when I begin I will no longer be slave to planning. Instead I will have fun exploring, discovering, learning, testing myself in the waters beyond my comfort zone, in short tasting life as it is.

And it is worth it. This experience with all it's worries and hassles and mental and physical stress because it is a reminder of the limits that we have set for ourselves and how it is important to push ourselves beyond those limits and that unless we do, we shall end up limiting ourselves into a tiny shell, while there is huge wide world which is still awaiting to be explored, paths that yet lie untrodden, lives yet untouched, our stories yet incomplete, awaiting to be written, while we let our courage become a hostage of our fears and the limits they confine us to.

I travel to break these limits.

And this time I am going to keep a daily travelogue of my journey to share my experience. Feel free to drop in your suggestions, feedback or just amuse yourself with my crazy writing.

This and That

As usual a lot of this and a lot of that. This is what happens when u finally get down to writing after having not written for a while, You don't know where to begin, and yet there is so much to tell, because life as we all know is a non stop motion picture.

To begin with, I have been busy, well who is not, but I guess I derive pleasure out of saying so, because it gives me the feeling that I have been upto something constructive rather than lying idle. Yep but I really was more busy than usual, taking care of the patients I get paid to take care and at the same time being a care taker for elders who are my duty.
                                     And while I was playing the role of care taker, I realised how scary it must be for old people in the age, when they need to be taken care off, to find themselves alone and maybe feeling helpless. Just imagining that was scary for me and my heart bled to think how people deal with that. For our elders, in the prime of their age, having someone by their side, may not be essential for financial or physical support, rather for emotional strength and to know that no matter what, they are not going to be alone, that there is and that there will be someone there for them no matter what. And this is what I was doing for my aunt and uncle, who have always been there for me all the while whenever I needed them, being by their side, when they need me, so that they may not have to experience that scary feeling. But having dealt with all that I am a stronger person, because if they could be so strong and face life with such strength at their age, I can definitely deal with life and whatever it has to throw my way. In a way, even in their moment of weakness they have given me more than I could ask for, a renewed strength. I am a better person and better professional.

I also wondered about the concept of family, and though I realise the significance of the concept better, I really can not begin to wrap my mind around it. At the same time I have known so many people to leave their aged to fend for themselves or ignore them. I wish such people would know, the nature of their error.

That aside, I have been busy planning my trip to US, reading, researching, finalising. And after all  this I can tell u travel is a full time job in itself. But then there is the thrill of seeing new places, having new experiences, meeting my favourite set of people and spending time with them, at the same time trying new activities that I have been wanting to do.

I am looking forward to taking care of my uncle and aunt and travelling and studying and trying my hands at new activities. Now I will get back to being busy again and be back soon with more updates.        Till then live, spread love and most importantly be kind, especially to those who do not ask for your kindness but need it, let the humane instincts which make you humans guide you.

The Demons and Me

Those of you who have been reading my posts will remember, how these days I am busy dealing with my demons, in regular words, my fears and insecurities. And by Jove! There are so many of them. Since it would be too difficult talking about all of them in one post, Instead of talking about them, I will talk about all that I have learnt while struggling with those demons.

I am my own worst critic, or atleast I used to be. When I say that I do not mean, that I am going to ignore them or refuse to deal with them, it's just that I no longer beat myself about them. I have learnt, that not all is right with us, we each of us have our own little (at times not so little) faults, but more important, than berating ourselves about them or creating contraptions to hide them ( which is exactly what we do most of the time) is to acknowledge them and then to work hard to get rid of them. 

I started by beginning to love myself and by standing up for myself. That is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and we should. Because even in the worst of us, there is something special, and that special is what sets us apart from the crowd and that special is what needs to be acknowledge and nurtured. And for that to happen we have to nurture ourselves, with love, with friendship, with knowledge, with curiosity, with the right kind of people. And so did I. (Tip - In life and in love, surround yourself with people who instead of simply accepting you for who you are, make you want to become better than who you are)

And, as I began nurturing myself, I realised that most of us in life, spend a lot of time doing things we don't feel like doing, for the sake of people who are just as clueless about life as we are and yet we make the mistake of taking their word for our lives!!! Lesson learnt - listen, keep those eyes and ears open to the world, but in the end do what u feel is right. Never compromise your joy to do things that make u unhappy to make others happy. Because in the long run, unless you are happy doing what what you are doing, that joy will never come.

And so, yes I am willing to make adjustments and do things for people who I care about, which I otherwise won't, but when those adjustments start making my life miserable or when people start taking my efforts for granted, that is the time I will stand up for myself and say ENOUGH. No matter who the person be, no matter how much they may mean to me, because the most important person for me is ME.

My rage, yes I began dealing with it too, I began looking past it. I realised the reason why I end up having to deal with the rage is, because I in the first place, fail to check the cause of that rage right in the beginning, at times because I am being too polite, at others because I do not want to hurt people's feeling or at times because I really don't know how to put in words what I am feeling ( because I am socially retarded) and in the end all that accumulated irritation bursts out in the form of rage, which hurts not only me, but also my relationships. So, I have begun, by becoming vocal about my issues with those concerned and I am beginning to kill the Damn rage. Communication is a very important thing, listening to people who matter and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate is the key for successful and strong relationships. It may not be as easy it seems, but it is not difficult either.

More than often I find myself jealous of certain people and it was one thing that really used to bother me. because Jealousy is one of the most down graded emotions that exist, and it was a relief when I figured out that it was infact not jealousy that I feel, it's envy. I envy people, who in their lives have found what they love doing and are in pursuit of that, I do so because I am so lost and clueless about exactly what is it that would give me joy, joy of having done atleast something meaningful, to have made atleast a little difference in this world through my existence. The fact that I am yet to figure that out makes me miserable. (You would wonder that being a doctor I am saying this, but this is as true as it can get)

Enough for a post I believe, so the scores at the end of round 1 - Demons 0 (Ugh) Me 1 (Yay)  

Oops before I forget to share, I have finally begun working on my personal project of this year, that is, To cook atleast one dish expertly everyday, and I am making good progress. So far have made tomato bruschetta, garden veggie burger, hummus, chocolate fudge cake, lemon diva cake, spring rolls, samosas, penne arrabiatta, paneer tikka, vegetable pulao, baby corn masala and no bake almond chocolate brownies, will start blogging about my food experiment soon.

And I am planning a trip again. So, till the next time you hear from, do take good care of yourself and shower your love around and on ME ;). 

Facing The Demons

As children we were all afraid of the dark, afraid of the monsters that might be lurking behind the veil of darkness. Weren't we?

But Growing up we have all managed to bury that fear of darkness, but did we manage to bury those monsters we were afraid off as well?

I have often wondered what were those monsters really? Were they just a figment of our childish imagination or something just more than that. I believe they were more than just creatures from horror stories brought alive by our imagination. They were infact our own fears, our own demons disguised as the characters that scared us in our stories. It wasn't exactly the dark that scared us, it was the fear of the unknown that lay behind that darkness, the feeling of not having our parents next to us in that unknown, the uncertainty of it all, that scared us.

The monsters were just an elaborate disguise employed by human mind to hide it's own vulnerability.  And it continues to play the game as we grow, we keep avoiding facing the actual fears that bother us, our fallings. Instead we use our egos to bury them, we create elaborate bubbles to give ourselves a false notion of security, to escape from facing the real monsters.

But as the saying goes ' You can run, but you can never hide. ' For peace to come into our lives, we have to walk past the veil of that darkness, we have to come face to face with those demons we have been trying to outrun. We have to look beyond our ego, break through our bubble and face the dark side of us, to find our way through and Unless we do that, we will never find ourselves at peace, because even though this Mind of our plays these elaborate games to hide it's weaknesses, it still wishes to get rid of them, otherwise it would never have created those demons that tormented us.

This is what I have been upto off late, Standing upto my demons, taking them by their horns and beating them down. The main problem one faces is this initial resistance to begin. An inertia, And at that, Inertia of the being and Inertia of those surrounding the being, both together being a formidable force. I am beginning to break past that force, but there is still a long way to go and I am not sure if I will be able to make it to the end, but I sure as hell am going to try my best.

Enough for one post I guess, I will let u have a sneak peek at some of my demons in the next post.

Travelogue - Leh Ladakh 2013 - Part 1

Julley!!! ( pronounced Ju-leyy)

You might be in midst of exploring some of the countless palaces or monasteries or trekking somewhere in the wilderness or enjoying a solitary walk in the lanes of some village, and suddenly you will find yourself being greeted by the musical sound of this traditional ladakhi welcome greeting by a perfect stranger, followed by an irresistible heart warming smile, which in an instant will have touched and won your heart and you will no longer feel like a stranger in some distant land.

Nowhere, in your interactions will you find traces of any bitterness left from having toiled against one of the harshest terrain and cold environment for survival (the temperature I was told drops down to -45 degrees in winters, which last from September till March). In fact,The warmth in the smile and the greeting and the hearts of these simple, hard working, kind and honest people only radiates a certain joy, the joy probably of having beaten and survived the battle against cruel conditions of weather and environment (where lesser mortals, at least mortals like me would have failed to survive.)

There is some magic in the air of this region (of course it's free of pollution, which to our city dwelling lungs is magical in itself), It's probably this joy and the feeling of having made peace with what they have, that flows in the air, coupled with great work that nature has done in every nook and corner which makes this place so enchanting.

For 8 days, disconnected from the rest of the world, I wandered around lost in the lanes of leh and valleys of ladakh, sometimes trekking in the villages, exploring places and in the process discovering hidden gems of beauties, enjoying random encounters and conversations with locals and travelers, feeling stunned by the vast enormity and diversity of this treasure trove of landscapes.


                                        A sneak peek of the dealights of Leh and Ladakh

The valleys

The mountains

Sculptures in Snow

River basins

Sand-dunes

General Information -

Ladakh located in India, is a part of the State of Jammu and Kashmir, with it's capital being Leh. Situated at an altitude of about 10000 feet, it is surrounded by the Himalayas, Ladakh and Zanskar range, and is a cold arid desert, it's land locked position leading to lack of rains, and is fed mainly by streams from glaciers and rivers like Indus, Zanskar, Nubra and Shyok. The temperature varies from -40 in winters to 3-25 degrees in summers. Summer season in Ladakh is from June to July end, winters begin from October lasting till March end. It's geography is responsible for the vast variety in it's topography ranging from fertile valleys to grasslands to sand dune covered desert to bare mountains to snow covered peaks.

The best time to visit is from June till September ( you can go in April or may, but the weather around that time is pretty unpredictable and may play spoil sport with your plans) You can reach leh, either by driving in through, Manali-leh or Srinagar leh highways (when they open, information of which is available here http://leh.nic.in/ ) These routes known for their scenic delights, at places are also back-breakingly bad and take about 30-36 hrs but the drive helps in acclamatisation, which will save you from Acute mountain sickness (AMS) but if u wish to spare your back the strain and time, you can take a flight to leh, some cities connected directly or through connecting flights by operators like Go air, Jet or Indian airlines (flights schedules depend on the weather conditions). For local advice, help or organising your trip you can check out http://www.zanskar.com/our-team I interacted with Tsewang Namgyal in this organisation, who was incharge of organising the transportation for my trip and did a great job. (And my interaction with a lot of locals left me wiser with the knowledge that it's better to organise the trip directly through local operators.)

While planning my trip, I studied AMS a lot, literature suggests taking Diamox 48 hrs before reaching and 24 hrs or longer after arrival depending upon individual response. I tried and along with Diamox avoided exertion and altitude for the first 24 hrs alongwith lot of sleep and water and Viola! no AMS. But please consult your doctor before taking this medicine and under no circumstances take this medication without medical advice. Do carry warm clothes, sunscreen, lip guards, sunglasses, chargers, extra camera batteries, torch (as electricity is pretty irregular).

Leh town is a regular town where u will be able to find packaged food, bottled mineral water, ATM, basic medicines and a lot of trekking stuff due to popularity of treks among travelers. Do carry all your required medications, along with medications for headache, nausea and vomiting. Pre-paid sim-cards from outside of the state of Jammu and Kashmir do not work here, amongst the post-paid connections only BSNL, Airtel and occasionally Vodafone offer connectivity, local connections take at least a week to get activated, so do carry a post-paid sim unless of course like me you would prefer to remain disconnected. Hotels and local cyber cafe provide wi-fi and internet connectivity.

Enough for one post, I shall share my experiences and adventures in the posts to come, till then explore ladakh online, let it work it's charm on you and it's magic entice you, till you are moved enough to experience it and it will be a worthwhile experience.

                                                    In my case it was a Bucket list experience.

The Experience

This and That

Not that anyone would have missed my little chit-chat on the blog, but still as a responsible writer it becomes my duty to dwell a bit on my absence, but U are in luck, as there isn't a very long explanation, simply, that I did not have much to say and the writer's block left me paralysed to write about whatever little there was to talk about.

Coming to This and That - since I have been silent for so long, there is a lot of both to write about.

So,just when I got the hang of swimming, I had to put the sessions on hold, Sigh, but I'll be starting up pretty soon.

Work, studies and worries have been occupying most of time, which brought me to wonder, if man has really managed to evolve from the chimpanzee state?
                               The amount of time we spend making a monkey of ourselves about things like job, money, family, love, the right time for this, wrong time for that, about choices to be made, plans to be set, about minutes, days, months and years that are yet to come, while we are unsure of even making it alive into the next moment, really makes me wonder, if are just stuck in a stage of evolution and are just simply highly evolved apes ( food for thought ).
                                Has this compulsion to be able to get in control of future engulfed our present? And the peace that comes with being able to hang in the moment? Do u ever stop in your track and wonder how many such moments we have lost and have become a meaningless torrent of past in our lives? Is this worry to have money, a secure job, the right person so that our tomorrow is better than today, too much in terms of opportunity cost? I have been wondering, but of course it's important to think about this, no denying about that, but is it worth while to let our lives be driven by this worry into a meaningless and endless frenzy? ( questions, questions, questions )

While I worry endlessly about the rest, I am also worried about something more important - ME.
I have been working on self-improvement, identifying the flaws that I have, working on them, trying to get rid of them. Not an easy job, I tell u, but If there is one good thing about me, it's I don't give up.

My anger streak - I have a terrible one, it's this cycle, I become angry, I go quiet and calm, I mull things in my mind, then I explode ( sometimes the last three steps don't set in and I just explode, that's even more dangerous ), then I regret, I analyse, I understand, how things came to be, how could I  have reacted in a less explosive manner and I learn and peace sets in. Even though it's a tedious process and I am getting better at it, I still loose it at times. Ugh ugh ugh.

 I hate it especially when this happens with mom or dad, I know they love me, I know they can't help saying and doing what they do and I know it will be difficult for us to find a common understanding, but they do what they do purely for the love of me, I won't ever find such precious selfless love ever in my life, and yet I tend to loose it most often with them than with any one else. Or maybe it's like they say, we can fight only with the one's we love most, whatever, I am learning.

I am learning to become humble, to be thankful and appreciative of what I have, every night I feel grateful for my family, for still having them around, thankful to them for doing all that they do for me. I am trying to be less selfish.

Also, I am learning to let go, people who are not worth my while, relationships that are redundant, I am teaching myself, that it's ok to move on, painful but needful and that it's not necessary to know why. I have closed doors on a quiet a few people this year, but I refuse to be treated less than my worth. ( I am sorry if one of you, reading this post, are those people, but if u will look carefully, the       door is not locked, u just need to turn the knob and open it )

I am learning that sometimes instead of getting distraught, we need to buck up our asses and sit it out, patience, the game at which I suck, is actually the key that holds a lot of answers, if only u are able to
Endure the test of time it takes, without giving yourself gastric ulcers, I just seem to lack it absolutely.

And I still haven't managed to tell him that I love him ( did not find any decent window of opportunity) I still want to badly tell him, and while I wait for my window, I am playing does he love, no can he, no maybe he loves me, me be he does not, well it does not matter if he does or does not, I just want him to know that I do, he can choose to do whatever he wishes with the knowledge. Because from what believe, when u love someone tell them, to not share such a beautiful feeling with the one who led to experience the joy of being in love, is a collossal waste.

                                                                And,
only for the perseverant reader who has made this far, I am going travelling again, to Leh and Ladakh, few days far away from civilisation and communication, all by myself, to that land that many call heaven on earth.

I will be back with my travelogue when I get back, till then, it's back to silence, as stillness goes wandering again.

Sunday

It's Sunday morning, I am done with my morning swim,  and now while it lasts and while I can I am sitting and letting the Sunday morning feeling seep in. I am looking around in the closet of my memory, searching for a poem or a song that would echo in words, the feeling that a Sunday morning brings along, I can't seem to find any.

Googled, well google may know the answers to the questions of mind, but when it comes to quenching  the queries arising from the musings of the heart, even, poor google stands not a chance.

So, still in search of my Sunday morning poem or song, my thoughts have gone wandering,

Here is one, which has trailed down, the green countryside on a bicycle, found a meadow, with a glorious bunch of flowers in spring, while it is hot summer all around, it can hear the wind sing, and a distant bird or two chime in, while it lays down and drifts slowly away into a dream, enjoying the bounties that have been laid out by nature for the soul to let go all the cares and find for itself a little rest.

Here is another thought, that has found itself waking up in an unknown bed, listening to the peaceful silence, with a mental sigh of relief that, the silence won't be broken unless sought, slowly it walks out of bed and around, pouring for itself a glass of fresh orange juice, while breathing in the calm of being far away from the chase, for a moment it closes again it's eyes, and then it walks out greeting the sun, switching on a playlist it goes out on the run, winding up in a roadside cafe for a brunch.

Here is another one, which has woken up and found itself lying in his arms, kissed his quietly sleeping form, before being playfully taken into his arms and finally ending up full of laughter in a playful tussle. Waking up to the day, with countless plans that may or may not become, but the promise of fun.

Here is another one, all dressed up in an old blue denim, with a mug of coffee, soft strawberry roll, painting a canvas while listening to music playing in the back ground, in between, catching up with the book lying upturned, punctured with a long walk, a sandwich break, walking back while licking a softy cone, and deciding to stand still in a corner of the street while watching life that passes by.

And.....zzzzzzinggggggggggg, the 11 o clock alarm, that had been set, to bring me back from my reverie, into the chaos that life is. And the Magic of Sunday feeling has already been lost in the rush of all the things that are waiting to be done before I rush back to work again.

But, before I rush off, here's the song that I finally found in the memory closet - Ronan Keating's Say Nothing at all.


                      Happy Sunday, my friend, reading this post wherever u are, whoever u are.

Habits

                                                           Swimming has taught me,

                                                                           That,

                                                                Habits, do change.

                                                          I have, for all of my life so far, 

                                                 been a late to bed and late to rise person,

                                     Apart from a few situations of necessity, and even then,

                                                       Waking up early, is a trial for me.

                                                          Not that It was a problem, 

                                                        But, it's not a great habit either,

                                    Especially, when the habit has become bothersome and worrisome.

Worrisome,

Whenever I have to wake up or report for work early or have have something planned up early.

Bothersome, 

Because I don't like to be a slave to a habit, good or bad.

But, 

Even with a lot of effort I was unable to change this habit, 

Till,

I decided to attend swimming sessions in morning rather than evening.

Why? 

I don't know, 

one reason was to avoid the suntan that came with swimming in evening

Another,

That swimming early, left my day free for me to fit in all the rest of the things to do.

And,

Also, that I wanted to give myself good exercise, to stay fit and maintain weight.

And, so, it started,

Me waking up early to attend swimming sessions,

To the amazement of everyone who knows me.

The first few days were a real test of my resolve,

While everyone else was waiting to see, 

How long, before I would give up and quit.

But, then, 

to my own and everyone else's surprise,

It worked!!

By the 7th day, it was easier for me to wake up early

And the residual strain that I used to feel on breaking my sleep early, began disappearing.

Why?

A habit, that school, college and work could not break, was broken by this

I have no clue,

The same ways as I have no clue why I swim,

Yep it's relaxing, but less so for me,

Because I have to continuously fight my fear of drowning while I swim.

Yet for some reason, I continue swimming.

Everyday, out of my schedule I spend 5 mins floating

This is the time when I just relax, let go and listen to the random thoughts just pop up in my mind.

And, sometimes while doing this I get some clarity of thought

Or 

some random realisations,

And it was during one of these moments, that I realised,

Unlike, what is usually believed, that habits once formed are hard to change,

Habits, can change, and easily so,

when provided with a strong or right incentive or motivation.

That, one should always seek change,

Never stop seeking it, because, after all,

Change is the only unchangeable law of nature.

1. 
   

25.3.2013

25.3.2013

Another year has gone by,

Another year has begun,

And as I sit remembering all that has gone

And wishing for all that is yet to come,

I am mulling as much as I am musing :

There is still a lot that I have to learn,

A lot that I have to do and I am yet to begin

Too far to go, and I am just beginning

So little time, it seems, to get so much done

And yet it's only a lifetime that I have

And so much of the time that I had has already gone by.

I am standing listening to the wind,

As it whispers into my ears

The love and blessings that life has to offer.

And it tells me to ask,

Because birthdays are special occasions, it tells me,

They are days when the magic of creation, that led to beginning of a new cycle of life, 

Is alive again, Birthdays are days when prayers asked, from the depth of the being are heard

And so, the wind tells me, Ask.

I stand wondering what is it that I could ask,

I am thankful for what I have been given without even having ever asked for,

I do not know how to pray, so instead I shall ask.

And if I have to ask, then Dear life, I ask

To be blessed, with

The love of the man I love, 

The strength to do the best with the gifts that I have been given

The peaceful joy of fulfillment.

I ask for humility, for patience, for kindness, to be more forgiving, more generous, 

And to become a better person than I already am.

Let me forever remain your child, a student of life.

That is all I ask.

It's my Life

I have a love hate relationship with my existence. Hurtled from one place to another, dumped in a corner, forgotten for the better part of my existence and yet indispensable. I am like the neglected wife of a fairly long marriage, dreaming to be picked up in arms and getting passionately kissed, who instead ends up getting a forgotten peck in rush.

Picked up in a rush, dumped even before I have had my fill of his touch, separated albeit temporarily from the company of the arms I love most, left and forgotten to bump and being bumped in with the rest of my brood, unfamiliar strangers united by the similar situation we are stuck in. Forced upon each other's company, we make conversation, listen to each other's stories, share experiences, listen to the tales of lives from far and wide, before being separated sometimes forever, sometimes to be re-united by the accident of life.

And before long, I am back in the arms I love, only to be dumped again, to be given a quick cursory search that is reserved for a familiar being, and then forgotten in a corner, to be remembered daily in the occasional moments of need, while I from my corner, watch your life go past my hungry eyes, catching every moment of it like a parched lover, asking for no more than the span of attention you give.

Ours is the world of deaf and dumb. He's deaf and I am dumb. Hardly a word is spoken between the two of us, and we do not seek to break the silence that we have grown to love. Left alone, we stick to our spaces, neither wanting to disturb each other. We speak the language of gratitude, gratitude for each other's company, each making the existence of other meaningful. The unspoken understanding being the beauty of our relationship. And it's been a long and happy association.

And if u are by now scratching your heads in amazement, wondering about our relationship, let me tell you, We are inseparable, and the few lost and found moments that we have had, have left our hearts standstill with fear, with separation however small, filling us with anxious tears and lines of worries, making the bonds that hold us stronger.


We are the companions on a long journey, whose presence not only gives the other the happy feeling of a familiar presence, but is also a source of strength. On the strange and unfamiliar roads that we travel we are each other's source of comfort.

                                                  This is the story of my Life.

                                                   
                                                       The Life of a Suitcase.

                           

Randomness

The underlying theme of this post is Chaos and Cribbing ( now that u have been adequately warned proceed to read at your own risk) because I am going to write anything and everything that will pass through my mind in whatever order the thoughts come while I am writing this post.

Pending - I have a pending assignment which I need to submit for the online coursera course that I am doing these days, a lot of medical literature that needs to be read, books that need to be read, paintings that need to be worked on, posts to be written and the list goes on

Neglect - Exercise I'm just neglecting my work out like anything (apart from may be a dozen push ups or so everyday). Dance, I need to start learning again. Swimming, I need to learn more this season and haven't even started yet (I am scared of catching cold, but soon). Travelling, I need to identify the next travel destination ASAP.

Resolution - I need to tell someone I love him, It was a realization that struck me a while back, I didn't knew when or how it happened, it just did and I don't know if it's such a good idea (telling him, I might end up ruining an amazing friendship), I'm not even sure if he feels the same about me, but I do know how I feel about him, and I had promised myself once that If I ever feel the way I feel for him for anyone, I would tell the person concerned. So I'm mustering courage and going through the vicious cycle of sense and sensibility to tell him. (Whoever said love was easy was a bloody fool, with not even an ounce of  idea of what a pain in ass it is)

Inertia - I am suffering from what Newton described centuries ago, an inherent resistance toward any kind of change, I am lethargic and yet I seek activity, I wish to be left alone and yet I wish I had people around to share and have fun with, I wish to do projects and things and yet I'm not willing to exert myself. I want to travel and yet I am scared. Why? What is holding me back? I do not know and I am mad at myself for being so confused.

Feeling - at times elated, at times miserable, tired of being constantly at war within, angry at my innate lethargy, lonely, so much that my loneliness is threatening to consume me and then in between all these feelings, I experienced joy, understanding, peace while star gazing (It's spring time and the nights are just perfect to star gaze while lying on your back in the garden while the wind lulls u into sleep at night). In short these days the word dysfunctional describes me in one word.

This - ' If u do what u love for a living, u never have to work a day in your life ' - unknown. I don't love what I am doing (but it's the only thing I know how to do best), I am doing what I am doing because I don't know what I love doing. It's not a nice state to be stuck in especially when your worst fear in life, is not to have done the best with what u had been given. It makes me miserable to think that I may be giving into complacency, that I am letting my fears to cage me in, and I struggling to break past the barriers of my comfort zone and then I wonder why? what is it that I seek? or is this just an excuse to not working hard? I don't know, but I do believe, If u love doing something, u automatically work hard for it.

Travel wish - to visit Japan in Sakura season and enjoy the delightful beauty of cherry blossoms with him.

Others - Reading Theory of Multiple intelligence these days, made frozen strawberry yogurt and chocolate mousse, read about various varieties of potatoes the other day (don't ask why?)

Stillness speaks - 'Joy is the best make up that a woman can wear'
                           ' Chaos is the underlying theme in the entire scheme of universe, seeking to escape it is not the solution, embracing it is ' - Realized this as I was reading the original script of Newton's three laws of motions the other day.
                            ' Peace cannot be found, unless it is within.' No matter how far, how long u may go searching for it, unless u have made peace with yourself, the relief u find will only be momentary and u will keep wandering in search of it. People or places, charms or memories do not bring peace, it's understanding that does.
                                                                        Phew.

If anyone of u have had the patience to read this far, I am Done (for this post, the crib attack may return). I had to let this all out, not that it's going to make a difference, but then it's better to have spilled my sack of moaning out in the universe, and done my bit in spreading around some more chaos, and may be somewhere in the chaos, my cribs will find some tidbits to quench themselves.

I Believe...

Inception of chaos was probably done by universe because it could not stand the monotony of orderly existence, and in the end everything will end up being as it should have been with the interceding chaos being just universe's way of amusing itself.

 So let the chaos be,

 embrace it, 

enjoy it 

and 

somewhere down the line u

 will find your exit out of the maze.

--

Stillness speaks

Goa 2013

The travel lust was beginning to settle in again, I was tired, restless and cranky, and so, before It could consume me, I took a break from the twists and turns of everyday life and landed in Goa for a short vacation.

It wasn't the first time I was going to be in Goa, but it was the first time when I had 3 days in Goa to be explored at my own leisure. I had no set itinerary, no list of places except a few diners which I wanted to explore, but nothing else.

I decided to stay on Baga beach, my hotel Ronil Beach resort, was just 5 mins walk away from the beach and also right in the center of all the happening places around, since I was travelling alone and India is probably the most unsafe place for women travelers on their own, I decided to play safe and stick to exploring areas in and around me. For 3 days I stole myself away from work, from the knick knacks of daily life and let Goa seduce me with it beauty, peace and quiet (of course Baga is not the place where u will find peace, but I went exploring and found quieter places). It was a mixed bag of experiences, sometimes thrilling and great fun, filled with discoveries and interactions, sometimes filled with loneliness and longing for company.

I met random people, An artist, who gave me a lot of tips on painting, A hotelier, with whom I discussed about local goan cuisine, beach shacks etc etc, A Scottish psychotherapist at a bar, who had been living and working in Goa since a couple of years, An old couple in their mid-nineties, having an evening walk together, on the beach and heard their story. Explored beaches (Baga, calungate, the noisier one's and  Bardez, Ashwem, the quiet and peaceful one's), Clicked pictures, chucked caution in the air and did para-sailing and water skiing, played with the sand, watched sunset, partied late and danced, explored diners, discovered some good local dishes, had my spectacles blow away from the top of my head by a strong sea breeze !!! ( and then stumbled around the streets of Goa, nearly blind for a one whole day and had a few hilarious incidents ) or just sat in my room doing nothing except relaxing.

But I had my break and was happy to have one. Though at the end of it I was wishing, I had been a little less prudent and cautious and a bit more adventurous. I wish I had stepped farther out of my comfort zone than I did, but then to most people whom I met in my trip, the fact that I was a girl, having a vacation on my own seemed an adventurous ( and to some strange, after all who the hell vacations alone in Goa!!!, well I did) undertaking in the first place.

Up in the air

Baga beach, in morning

Dodol, a local goan sweet dish made from jaggery, molasses and coconut milk.

A dream left abandoned

A dream in making

A dream come true.
what more can one seek from life,
than
to be able to find love
such as this.
To have lived, loved and aged together.
To have dreamed and seen those dreams come true
and
in the twilight of life
still
have one another.
What other treasures can one seek
except
to love and be loved
what greater treasure can life bestow
on one
than
Love such as this.

May we all be as blessed as them.

foot prints in the sands of time

Ashwem Beach

Sunset

Just another Day

Just another day of my life, started with the end of night duties and began with my precious two days of off. Sometime during the course of the day I just decided to spend it at my own leisure, laid back, enjoying without keeping track of loosing time, without worrying about the countless chores that I should and could fit in the day before it's gone.

I decided to not loose the experience, that a day in my life could be, to the worry of chasing the the hours, minutes and seconds that filled the day. I decided to not let the joy of experiencing of being in a moment, be consumed by ceaseless worrying about the moment that would be or had been.

I decided to be, To be in the moment.

And so I did not make the mental list of things to be done, topics to be read, people to be met, plans to be made, instead I decided to do just whatever I wanted to do with my day.

The first thing I did was, to open the book I'd tried reading during the night shift (without making any progress because of hectic duty), the book was The time keeper by Mitch Albom, few pages down, the fatigue of 48 hrs of work lulled me into a dreamless and peaceful sleep. Again I broke the rules and slept off without bothering to set an alarm, woke up at my leisure, had a bath, ate and then got back to reading my book while enjoying whatever was left of the daylight, took a break in between and went cycling and got back to reading it. Finished the book late in evening, got a disappointing news and handled it with calm and composure. Decided to check on my mails, found an important article related to work, finished reading it, had a light conversation with a friend on phone, began reading my second book of the day, a biography ' Life has no full stops. ' Walked out and realized that it was a beautiful, clear star studded night, which could not be wasted without star gazing, so went for a walk with the twinkling star and soft cool breeze for company. Got back, to the book and decided to interrupt reading to write this post.

This is how I spent another day of my life, while I was walking tonight I was musing about something that I had read in the book (The timekeeper) today,

' Man alone measures time.
  Man alone chimes the hour.
  And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.
  A fear of time running out.'

True, I live in the fear of not having done enough with the time that I have been given. and then another line that I had read in the book popped up in my mind,

" Why did u measure the days and nights?
   To know.

Why do I ask questions? why do I struggle to know? I remember asking myself asking this earlier in the day and my answer had been, To understand. To understand myself better, to use that understanding to bring about a change in me, change the things that are not so right in me, so that the change would help me do the best with the time that I have. And I was reminded of the line beneath, that I had read in the same book,

"Understanding is more important than knowing"

And then, I remembered, marking these lines -

" You marked the minutes." the old man said. " But did u use them wisely? To be still? To cherish? To be grateful? To lift and be lifted? "

These words reminded me again of something that I have a knack of forgetting and have to keep reminding myself again and again - Be grateful for what u have, cherish it, the things, the comforts, the family and the people whom u just take for granted and above all, use what life has given to you, to give back to it, if not as much as u have been given, at least a little, and u will have done enough, with what u had been given.

And I found my Zen again.

Chandni Chowk - foodwalk

My world revolves around travel, food and love. Travel, requires a lot of brain raking and hard work and the only easy thing about love is learning how to spell it, so for a lazy being like me, food is the easiest to get and so out of the three food it is that I indulge myself most in.

Since, I can't cook even half as decently as would impress the taste buds of the food lover in me, I go around searching for great food cooked by people who are blessed with the beautiful gift of cooking. And mercifully these people (with their amazing food) can be found anywhere and everywhere, in our own house like our mothers (sometimes fathers), grand mothers, aunts, neighbors, just around the corner as the street food options or farther (and expensive) in restaurants, fine diners and farther (and more expensive) the featured and starred chef diners and farther in every little village, town in any country.

Of course I could save myself all this effort (at times disaster) of going in search of food, reading about it, sampling it (that is when u come to know about the success or the disaster that the undertaking was) and learn to cook myself (I do try), but like I said, I am lazy and also because it makes these good natured people who cook (this is something I have noticed, that all good cooks are good natured) very happy, when people eat their food and love it. And so I go about eating their food, paying for it not just with money but also with my compliments and sharing the joy that their food gave me with others by recommending them to people I know and off late by blogging about it.

My quest for food has taken me often to the narrow lanes of Chandni Chowk. This part of Delhi, also called as old delhi, a maze of countless narrow, congested lanes, with it's countless big and small shops, warehouses is the biggest whole sale market in India, name it and you will find it here. But this place also happens to be a treasure trove of food, heritage and culture, it hides in it deep lanes and dark corners many little eateries (if u know where to find them) that are institutions and will leave u licking your fingers and wanting for more. Being somebody who has lived in Delhi, I visit Chandni Chowk often, and now with the ease of connectivity with two metro stations, Chawri bazar and Chandni Chowk in it's heart, I can visit it and enjoy it's tasteful food to my heart's content.

If u are planning to visit Chandni Chowk to experience it's food delights, u can make for yourself an itinerary by referring to these websites and blogs : http://www.delhitourism.gov.in/delhitourism/eating_out/purani_delhi_food.jsp (a comprehensive guide by Delhi Tourism), http://www.thedelhiwalla.com/ for suggestions and directions, this blogpost of @Finelychopped http://www.finelychopped.net/2012/09/the-mystique-of-dilli-6.html . I have found these websites and blogs very informative and helpful.

The list of shops and food that one can find in Chandni Chowk is endless, and I have not yet compiled a list of all the places that I have visited or eaten at. But the few that I have and would recommend are -

Paranthewali gali - Parantha are a type of stuffed Indian bread made of wheat dough, fried in ghee or oil and served with pickles and chutneys. They are made in all Indian homes, but the reason why one would want to travel all the way to Chandni chowk is 'cuz these shops (now only 3 left out of 60) offer paranthas fried in Ghee and range from the regular aloo, paneer to Bitter Gourd, lemon, khurchan. I have tried paneer, aloo, lemon, bitter gourd and mixed veg at Pandit gaya prasad shiv charan paranthewale and loved them. To confess I have shunned eating bitter gourd, but I dared to try the parantha and it was mouth watering, so was the lemon one (made from dried lemon powder) especially when eaten with the Pumpkin chutney. (To reach walk out of Chandni Chowk metro station and either hire a Rikhsaw or ask someone for directions to paranthe wali gali, it's a narrow lane on the left when u are walking from redfort towards sitaram bazar)

Daulat ki chaat - a sweet dish made out of pure whipped cream, It's just as amazing to taste as it is to look. U will find this at many small mobile stalls across Chandni Chowk. It's one of the best whipped creams that I have tasted, neither too sweet, nor too heavy and yet fresh and it melts away in mouth before u have had the fill of it.

Kulfi - It's a milk based ice-cream, served with or without falooda, and is available in many flavors across India, but Chandni Chowk of course offers u some unique variations of it own. There are many kulfi shops offering u a delightful piece of this dessert, but for an experience do visit Siya Ramnannumal kulfiwale (near Ajmeri gate) or Shri dhoolichand naresh gupta kulfiwale in Sitaram bazar. I suggest u try their orange kulfi, pomegranate sorbet and mixed fruit kulfi.
                              But the real gem, is the kulfi served by the elusive road side Kulfi baba, who if and when found is found somewhere along the chawari bazar lane during afternoon. There are no fancy ingredients or flavors that his kulfi has to boast about, just milk, sugar and saffron, and yet it will make you fall in love with kulfi all over again, I guess what makes his kulfi special is the subtlety with which these basic ingredients have been blended and the love with which he serves them with. At the age of 80 baba is alive with his stories and his love for kulfi.

The kulfi frozen within orange pulp.

Kulfi baba with his kulfi @ Rs 10 which can give any 5 star chef a run for their money

Add caption

Nankhatai - I have a special corner for these cookies sans all the fuss and fancy techniques that modern cookie baking comes with, because these were the first cookies I remember falling in love with. There is nothing special about flour, butter and sugar mixed together baked over coals and yet there is, the subtle fusion of flavors, the beauty of this dish lies in it's sheer simplicity. This is how I guess cookies came into being and it's a joy to bite in one of these freshly baked golden brown Nankhatais wait for them to melt away in mouth. I used to think they had become extinct and so it was joy to find them being baked here and there across Chandni Chowk. I hope that they never become extinct.

Nankhatai

Chaat - Another thing that Chandni chowk is famous for, and though I cannot recommend any particular shops, because they are all equally great with their own concoctions, I do recommend that as u go about exploring, do try the gol gappa, papdi chaat, aloo chat etc from different shops that u can find.

Ashok chaat bhandar, is a shop I often eat at (because of it's convenient location, right at the turn while getting out of chawri bazar metro station, and can recommend their gol gappe, papdi chaat and kalmi ke vade ki chaat ( a must try), as u will walk down the lane, about 100 paces down u will find a small shop serving aloo chat and kulle ki chaat (they hollow fruits and vegetable and fill them with spicy bengal gram).
Chole kulche is another dish that u can't miss while exploring food in chandni chowk, I enjoyed it at the road side stall right opposite Ashok chaat bhandar. Another thing not to be missed is the Kanji vada.

Ghantewala - right at the entrance of paranthewali gali has now become a sort of chandni chowk food legend, though I am not sure if the flavor is a legend too, but I do recommend their pista samosa, kalakand and sohan halwa as worth a try.

The list doesn't end here, but my patience to continue writing this post has (and I am sure so has the patience of the reader, if any who has managed to read this far). I'll leave u to savor these dishes for now, and save the rest for another blog post. Bon appetit!

Travelogue Phuket 2012 - Exploring 3

I can barely recall being in this moment, yet it was one of the most striking moments of the entire trip for me, along with the moment when we canoed into the limestone caves, and Still, but for this photograph (the credit of which goes to Jacob) I would scarcely be able to recall it.

Strange, as it may sound, this happens to me pretty often, I seem to have the haziest recollection of the moments, which have been the most beautiful, joyous, awesome and defining moments of my life. (does it happen to you as well?)

I remember being in this moment, drinking in this view with all my senses, breathing in, the peace, feeling the caress of the wind, listening to the sound of the waves, the touch of sand on my bare feet, mesmerized with the enormity and vastness of the spectacle that lay before me. I remember trying to inhale and exhale each breath as slowly as I could, as if by doing so I could slow time and hold it within my every breath, to make those precious moments last as long as I could, as if anyone can hold time and yet I tried.

I remember having the camera around my neck, and wanting to capture that moment, to freeze it forever and yet not making a move or clicking a single picture. I remember feeling delighted with the silence surrounding me, and not wanting to hear a sound, just in case the spell would break. I remember just wanting to remain, remain in that moment, to breathe it, to feel it, to live it for as long as I could. In that moment I remember experiencing stillness, the stillness that comes with knowing that u belong within the moment u are in, that u are where u were meant to be, the stillness that comes when the consciousness becomes one with the unconscious, the stillness that comes when man and nature seamlessly blend together, when the mind and the soul find peace.
                                       I guess, I so wanted to live in that moment (and in all those other moments which were as beautiful as this), that a part of me was just left behind in that moment, the part of my consciousness that I can barely remember, is alive, alive in that moment which I lived so fully, that it was left behind in the sands of time and there it shall remain, frozen forever, like the view remains frozen in these photographs.

I may never be able to recollect those moment as vividly as I had experience them, but I will find these bits of myself again, someday in some other place when I experience again that stillness within. Maybe that is the reason why I travel, to find another place, to find another moment, to experience the stillness, to find again the bits of me, I left behind, to become whole again and to leave behind another bit of me, to find it again in the endless river of time.

James Bond Island

Panyee Island, The sea gypsy island, nice view but u easily can skip visiting it.

The caves

I remember my heart whispering silently as we cruised past those mighty mountains, countless trees and the vast ocean -

                    Let me be.
                    Let me remain.
                    as a grain of sand,
                    a drop of water
                    a tree, a bird, a fish
                    a silent stone, a cloud
                    as the wind that blows.
                    As an insignificant nothing,
                    but let me remain, with you
                    I belong to you.
                    And
                    I remember stillness speak-
                    to me you belong,
                    as who u are now,
                    and forever shall,
                    as whoever u will be,
                    whenever u will be.
                    U are my longing
                    My longing for myself,
                    I live through u,
                    I live in you.



P.S - These pictures are of Phang Nga Bay and the islands and the limestone caves that we visited. I don't have any decent pictures of the caves or for that matter the bay or the islands, as I was too awestruck with spectacular view to be able to do any decent photography. If u are travelling to Phuket, do visit this beautiful bay, and make sure that u book the trip directly through the company, rather than tour operators. I have not mentioned the limestone caves we explored in the canoes, probably because I do not have enough words to describe the feeling of awe that the experience left me with and I doubt I ever will find those words, it just needs to be experienced.