Tuesday, May 21, 2013

This and That

Not that anyone would have missed my little chit-chat on the blog, but still as a responsible writer it becomes my duty to dwell a bit on my absence, but U are in luck, as there isn't a very long explanation, simply, that I did not have much to say and the writer's block left me paralysed to write about whatever little there was to talk about.

Coming to This and That - since I have been silent for so long, there is a lot of both to write about.

So,just when I got the hang of swimming, I had to put the sessions on hold, Sigh, but I'll be starting up pretty soon.

Work, studies and worries have been occupying most of time, which brought me to wonder, if man has really managed to evolve from the chimpanzee state?
                               The amount of time we spend making a monkey of ourselves about things like job, money, family, love, the right time for this, wrong time for that, about choices to be made, plans to be set, about minutes, days, months and years that are yet to come, while we are unsure of even making it alive into the next moment, really makes me wonder, if are just stuck in a stage of evolution and are just simply highly evolved apes ( food for thought ).
                                Has this compulsion to be able to get in control of future engulfed our present? And the peace that comes with being able to hang in the moment? Do u ever stop in your track and wonder how many such moments we have lost and have become a meaningless torrent of past in our lives? Is this worry to have money, a secure job, the right person so that our tomorrow is better than today, too much in terms of opportunity cost? I have been wondering, but of course it's important to think about this, no denying about that, but is it worth while to let our lives be driven by this worry into a meaningless and endless frenzy? ( questions, questions, questions )

While I worry endlessly about the rest, I am also worried about something more important - ME.
I have been working on self-improvement, identifying the flaws that I have, working on them, trying to get rid of them. Not an easy job, I tell u, but If there is one good thing about me, it's I don't give up.

My anger streak - I have a terrible one, it's this cycle, I become angry, I go quiet and calm, I mull things in my mind, then I explode ( sometimes the last three steps don't set in and I just explode, that's even more dangerous ), then I regret, I analyse, I understand, how things came to be, how could I  have reacted in a less explosive manner and I learn and peace sets in. Even though it's a tedious process and I am getting better at it, I still loose it at times. Ugh ugh ugh.

 I hate it especially when this happens with mom or dad, I know they love me, I know they can't help saying and doing what they do and I know it will be difficult for us to find a common understanding, but they do what they do purely for the love of me, I won't ever find such precious selfless love ever in my life, and yet I tend to loose it most often with them than with any one else. Or maybe it's like they say, we can fight only with the one's we love most, whatever, I am learning.

I am learning to become humble, to be thankful and appreciative of what I have, every night I feel grateful for my family, for still having them around, thankful to them for doing all that they do for me. I am trying to be less selfish.

Also, I am learning to let go, people who are not worth my while, relationships that are redundant, I am teaching myself, that it's ok to move on, painful but needful and that it's not necessary to know why. I have closed doors on a quiet a few people this year, but I refuse to be treated less than my worth. ( I am sorry if one of you, reading this post, are those people, but if u will look carefully, the       door is not locked, u just need to turn the knob and open it )

I am learning that sometimes instead of getting distraught, we need to buck up our asses and sit it out, patience, the game at which I suck, is actually the key that holds a lot of answers, if only u are able to
Endure the test of time it takes, without giving yourself gastric ulcers, I just seem to lack it absolutely.

And I still haven't managed to tell him that I love him ( did not find any decent window of opportunity) I still want to badly tell him, and while I wait for my window, I am playing does he love, no can he, no maybe he loves me, me be he does not, well it does not matter if he does or does not, I just want him to know that I do, he can choose to do whatever he wishes with the knowledge. Because from what believe, when u love someone tell them, to not share such a beautiful feeling with the one who led to experience the joy of being in love, is a collossal waste.

only for the perseverant reader who has made this far, I am going travelling again, to Leh and Ladakh, few days far away from civilisation and communication, all by myself, to that land that many call heaven on earth.

I will be back with my travelogue when I get back, till then, it's back to silence, as stillness goes wandering again.


life in red shoes said...

Hi there, just a few thoughts on this post.
Stop focusing on your flaws and celebrate the wonderful qualities that make you, you!

My life changed for the better when I learned to live one day at a time! It takes time and practice but is completely worthy of both.

For Gods sake, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Life is too short to wait for perfect timing, you'll never know the truth until you do it. Either way it will allow you to move forward :)

As for walking away from relationships that are no longer worthy of your time and energy, here is my motto. May the bridges I burn light my way.

Hang in there, I'll be checking back!

Kyra said...

Hehe Red easier said than done, will try and do as u have advised and thanks for the advice.