The Conflict

Off late I have spent more time worrying, thinking, dejected, confused and irritated than happy and content. I have not a had a moment's peace or bliss. It's like there is a storm brewing in the ocean of my heart, mind and soul which has distorted and disheveled my calm, leaving me torn.

Why?

Because I am at war with my Ownself. A war in which I have lost my focus on how to move about in life to achieve my goals. I do not know when exactly this war started or what lead to it, but now I am in the center of this storm, beyond which I cannot see and within which I can no longer stand.

The conflict is between,

 The heart of a child, who wishes to remain a child, who looks at the world still with it's childish eyes, wishes to walk in it holding on to it's innocence, live in it like it's a playground, living everyday as a delight fulfilling it's dreams.

 The mind of an adult, who's walked into the big bad world, seen the cruel harsh reality that lies within, has been crushed by what it has seen and dreads that world. The mind which knows that to walk unscathed in this  world it cannot escape compromise and practicality. That the easiest way, though not the best and dead boring is probably the most secure.

The soul, which wishes to embrace the child, hide her away from the world, and watch her grow and flourish nourished by the innocence of heart and the delight of living her dreams. The soul, which fears for her child, walking into the world, that mind has seen and knows that her child shall not remain unscathed and yet is unwilling to let the child walk the path that the mind tells her is secure.

I have lost my focus in this war, I do not wish anymore to be a rat in a rat race of which I unwillingly became a part and follow the asses of the rest of the rats. I no longer know how to walk in this world being myself, how to fulfill those dreams with which I'd set out. The war is starting to wear me out now and I do not know for how long I can hold on.

                                               Oh Life! why can't some children always remain children.

Love

Love,  to those who have found it.
Quest,  to those in search of it,
void endless,  to those who are yet to find it,
Pain excruciating,  to those who have lost it.

Resolutions 2011 - Thank You - week 1

                                  Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.  ~G.B. Stern


And that is why, I have decided to give words to mine, how soever tiny the expression may be, but I will voice it.

The first week of a New year....don't we expect so much from it, and that too all good, positive, promising...I do...and though my year started beautifully, thanks to this bunch of amazing friends, @Surubhi and @Adee and the awesome body size teddy they gave to me as a gift...I was over the clouds and moon lugging him around, my precious teddy and @Kaushik the turtle loving, adorable but bully lawyer, it was nice to patch up again and my brother, with his cute New year kiss...the week just din't live up to my hopeful expectations, Infact it went on from bad to worse.....and I still don't know when and where and how it will end.

But thanks to Surubhi, for being around, every single minute and helping me through, listening to my rants, bearing with my endless pessimism and not giving up on me...I just owe this amazing person in my life, a big Thank You and loads of love.

Thanks to mom and dad, for everything and to life for everything that I have and that it will send my way.
To Relyn for her blog & this post and to Elena for joining in my journey to live my resolutions. To Kanishka and Aniruddha Pathak for keeping me in their prayers.

Thank you all for being a part of my life and making it beautiful this week. Lots of love.

                                                                 

  Thank You

Woods are lovely, dark and deep..

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost.

I first read this poem of Robert Frost when I was 8 yrs old, and I have been in love with it ever since, this poem was my introduction to the beautiful world of poetry and the beginning of my love affair with poetry.......Every time I come across the lines ' The woods are.....' my heart sighs...

'The Woods are lovely, dark and deep, and I wish I had no promises to keep'

Why did life have to make those woods so lovely, dark and deep and then leave me with endless promises to keep? is the question that is echoing in my tired heart tonight.

Resolutions 2011

I have a few resolutions for this year...the first and the most important one of them being...living and working my resolutions. Having said that, I will actually begin living most of my resolutions after 6th of Feb (the day I have the most important exam of my life ahead.)

1) Every week I'll write a Thank You post to all the people who made a difference in my life the past week...it's just a small gesture of acknowledging my gratitude to them and to life for bringing them my way and enriching me

2) Every Sunday morning, I'll take a break from all the ho hum of my life, and spend a little while with my stillness in company of poetry, painting reading or musing.

3) I am going to get down to some serious cooking, from just reading recipes, food blogs and eating..I am going to get down to cooking, learning, experimenting and growing as a cook...with trying at least 2-3 new recipes every week, cuisines for this year are Italian, Indian and Lebanese.

4) I am going to working on growing as a photographer by teaching myself, reading, asking help from photographers I know...by the end of this year I want to figure out a few themes I had like to take up as photo assay and also learn how to work with a DSLR.

5) To Try and get back to dancing (if and only if my back permits)

These are my resolutions for 2011, things I had like to do for my personal and emotional growth as a human being....'cuz
                      to live, is to grow and to grow one needs to keep learning and doing.

Please feel free to join me in this journey....with your encouragement, guidance or even your mere watchful presence, as u watch me walk and stumble along my road. I welcome you with willingness to learn, gratitude in heart and smile on my lips.

A stranger

Like a stranger
I walk,
amongst my own.
I speak,
hoping to be heard by ears now deaf.
I wait,
for words of care from lips now dumb.

seeking a warmth of understanding,
I run,
from the strangers silent and known
to find myself,
amongst strangers silent and unknown.

A stranger, I am
on a quest,
to find a place,
where I am a stranger no more,
where faces are warm and familiar,
where I can be me and not seem strange.

I shall walk on,
on the roads unworn...
to a destination unknown.

One Life

One life, to live
one life, to be.

One life, to dream
one life, to live 'em all.

one life, to make promises
one life, to keep them.

One life, to love,
one life, to be loved.

One life, to laugh,
one life, to spread the smile.

One life, to cry,
one life to wipe the tears away.

One life, to lean on,
one life, to lend out a helping hand.

One life,
to care,
to feel,
to share,
to give and to take.

one life,
to walk through the woods,
to swim down the rivers,
to climb up mountains.

one life,
to get drenched in the rains,
to walk through the falling snow,
to shiver against the touch of cold winters

One life,
to watch the day rise to the silent whispers of night
to watch flowers bloom,
to sing the song of grass and trees.


One life,
too short,
to be spent held back in chains

One life,
is all we have,
before the candle of life burns out.

One life,
to make it count,
while the countdown
of the clock that's ticking away lasts.

Randomness

Lost
into uncertainity,
while words keep up,
their game of hide & seek.......

I hope I find my way back to myself again....Dear life waiting for u to take my hand again and bring me back into your light.