25.3.2013

25.3.2013

Another year has gone by,

Another year has begun,

And as I sit remembering all that has gone

And wishing for all that is yet to come,

I am mulling as much as I am musing :

There is still a lot that I have to learn,

A lot that I have to do and I am yet to begin

Too far to go, and I am just beginning

So little time, it seems, to get so much done

And yet it's only a lifetime that I have

And so much of the time that I had has already gone by.

I am standing listening to the wind,

As it whispers into my ears

The love and blessings that life has to offer.

And it tells me to ask,

Because birthdays are special occasions, it tells me,

They are days when the magic of creation, that led to beginning of a new cycle of life, 

Is alive again, Birthdays are days when prayers asked, from the depth of the being are heard

And so, the wind tells me, Ask.

I stand wondering what is it that I could ask,

I am thankful for what I have been given without even having ever asked for,

I do not know how to pray, so instead I shall ask.

And if I have to ask, then Dear life, I ask

To be blessed, with

The love of the man I love, 

The strength to do the best with the gifts that I have been given

The peaceful joy of fulfillment.

I ask for humility, for patience, for kindness, to be more forgiving, more generous, 

And to become a better person than I already am.

Let me forever remain your child, a student of life.

That is all I ask.

It's my Life

I have a love hate relationship with my existence. Hurtled from one place to another, dumped in a corner, forgotten for the better part of my existence and yet indispensable. I am like the neglected wife of a fairly long marriage, dreaming to be picked up in arms and getting passionately kissed, who instead ends up getting a forgotten peck in rush.

Picked up in a rush, dumped even before I have had my fill of his touch, separated albeit temporarily from the company of the arms I love most, left and forgotten to bump and being bumped in with the rest of my brood, unfamiliar strangers united by the similar situation we are stuck in. Forced upon each other's company, we make conversation, listen to each other's stories, share experiences, listen to the tales of lives from far and wide, before being separated sometimes forever, sometimes to be re-united by the accident of life.

And before long, I am back in the arms I love, only to be dumped again, to be given a quick cursory search that is reserved for a familiar being, and then forgotten in a corner, to be remembered daily in the occasional moments of need, while I from my corner, watch your life go past my hungry eyes, catching every moment of it like a parched lover, asking for no more than the span of attention you give.

Ours is the world of deaf and dumb. He's deaf and I am dumb. Hardly a word is spoken between the two of us, and we do not seek to break the silence that we have grown to love. Left alone, we stick to our spaces, neither wanting to disturb each other. We speak the language of gratitude, gratitude for each other's company, each making the existence of other meaningful. The unspoken understanding being the beauty of our relationship. And it's been a long and happy association.

And if u are by now scratching your heads in amazement, wondering about our relationship, let me tell you, We are inseparable, and the few lost and found moments that we have had, have left our hearts standstill with fear, with separation however small, filling us with anxious tears and lines of worries, making the bonds that hold us stronger.


We are the companions on a long journey, whose presence not only gives the other the happy feeling of a familiar presence, but is also a source of strength. On the strange and unfamiliar roads that we travel we are each other's source of comfort.

                                                  This is the story of my Life.

                                                   
                                                       The Life of a Suitcase.

                           

Randomness

The underlying theme of this post is Chaos and Cribbing ( now that u have been adequately warned proceed to read at your own risk) because I am going to write anything and everything that will pass through my mind in whatever order the thoughts come while I am writing this post.

Pending - I have a pending assignment which I need to submit for the online coursera course that I am doing these days, a lot of medical literature that needs to be read, books that need to be read, paintings that need to be worked on, posts to be written and the list goes on

Neglect - Exercise I'm just neglecting my work out like anything (apart from may be a dozen push ups or so everyday). Dance, I need to start learning again. Swimming, I need to learn more this season and haven't even started yet (I am scared of catching cold, but soon). Travelling, I need to identify the next travel destination ASAP.

Resolution - I need to tell someone I love him, It was a realization that struck me a while back, I didn't knew when or how it happened, it just did and I don't know if it's such a good idea (telling him, I might end up ruining an amazing friendship), I'm not even sure if he feels the same about me, but I do know how I feel about him, and I had promised myself once that If I ever feel the way I feel for him for anyone, I would tell the person concerned. So I'm mustering courage and going through the vicious cycle of sense and sensibility to tell him. (Whoever said love was easy was a bloody fool, with not even an ounce of  idea of what a pain in ass it is)

Inertia - I am suffering from what Newton described centuries ago, an inherent resistance toward any kind of change, I am lethargic and yet I seek activity, I wish to be left alone and yet I wish I had people around to share and have fun with, I wish to do projects and things and yet I'm not willing to exert myself. I want to travel and yet I am scared. Why? What is holding me back? I do not know and I am mad at myself for being so confused.

Feeling - at times elated, at times miserable, tired of being constantly at war within, angry at my innate lethargy, lonely, so much that my loneliness is threatening to consume me and then in between all these feelings, I experienced joy, understanding, peace while star gazing (It's spring time and the nights are just perfect to star gaze while lying on your back in the garden while the wind lulls u into sleep at night). In short these days the word dysfunctional describes me in one word.

This - ' If u do what u love for a living, u never have to work a day in your life ' - unknown. I don't love what I am doing (but it's the only thing I know how to do best), I am doing what I am doing because I don't know what I love doing. It's not a nice state to be stuck in especially when your worst fear in life, is not to have done the best with what u had been given. It makes me miserable to think that I may be giving into complacency, that I am letting my fears to cage me in, and I struggling to break past the barriers of my comfort zone and then I wonder why? what is it that I seek? or is this just an excuse to not working hard? I don't know, but I do believe, If u love doing something, u automatically work hard for it.

Travel wish - to visit Japan in Sakura season and enjoy the delightful beauty of cherry blossoms with him.

Others - Reading Theory of Multiple intelligence these days, made frozen strawberry yogurt and chocolate mousse, read about various varieties of potatoes the other day (don't ask why?)

Stillness speaks - 'Joy is the best make up that a woman can wear'
                           ' Chaos is the underlying theme in the entire scheme of universe, seeking to escape it is not the solution, embracing it is ' - Realized this as I was reading the original script of Newton's three laws of motions the other day.
                            ' Peace cannot be found, unless it is within.' No matter how far, how long u may go searching for it, unless u have made peace with yourself, the relief u find will only be momentary and u will keep wandering in search of it. People or places, charms or memories do not bring peace, it's understanding that does.
                                                                        Phew.

If anyone of u have had the patience to read this far, I am Done (for this post, the crib attack may return). I had to let this all out, not that it's going to make a difference, but then it's better to have spilled my sack of moaning out in the universe, and done my bit in spreading around some more chaos, and may be somewhere in the chaos, my cribs will find some tidbits to quench themselves.

I Believe...

Inception of chaos was probably done by universe because it could not stand the monotony of orderly existence, and in the end everything will end up being as it should have been with the interceding chaos being just universe's way of amusing itself.

 So let the chaos be,

 embrace it, 

enjoy it 

and 

somewhere down the line u

 will find your exit out of the maze.

--

Stillness speaks

Goa 2013

The travel lust was beginning to settle in again, I was tired, restless and cranky, and so, before It could consume me, I took a break from the twists and turns of everyday life and landed in Goa for a short vacation.

It wasn't the first time I was going to be in Goa, but it was the first time when I had 3 days in Goa to be explored at my own leisure. I had no set itinerary, no list of places except a few diners which I wanted to explore, but nothing else.

I decided to stay on Baga beach, my hotel Ronil Beach resort, was just 5 mins walk away from the beach and also right in the center of all the happening places around, since I was travelling alone and India is probably the most unsafe place for women travelers on their own, I decided to play safe and stick to exploring areas in and around me. For 3 days I stole myself away from work, from the knick knacks of daily life and let Goa seduce me with it beauty, peace and quiet (of course Baga is not the place where u will find peace, but I went exploring and found quieter places). It was a mixed bag of experiences, sometimes thrilling and great fun, filled with discoveries and interactions, sometimes filled with loneliness and longing for company.

I met random people, An artist, who gave me a lot of tips on painting, A hotelier, with whom I discussed about local goan cuisine, beach shacks etc etc, A Scottish psychotherapist at a bar, who had been living and working in Goa since a couple of years, An old couple in their mid-nineties, having an evening walk together, on the beach and heard their story. Explored beaches (Baga, calungate, the noisier one's and  Bardez, Ashwem, the quiet and peaceful one's), Clicked pictures, chucked caution in the air and did para-sailing and water skiing, played with the sand, watched sunset, partied late and danced, explored diners, discovered some good local dishes, had my spectacles blow away from the top of my head by a strong sea breeze !!! ( and then stumbled around the streets of Goa, nearly blind for a one whole day and had a few hilarious incidents ) or just sat in my room doing nothing except relaxing.

But I had my break and was happy to have one. Though at the end of it I was wishing, I had been a little less prudent and cautious and a bit more adventurous. I wish I had stepped farther out of my comfort zone than I did, but then to most people whom I met in my trip, the fact that I was a girl, having a vacation on my own seemed an adventurous ( and to some strange, after all who the hell vacations alone in Goa!!!, well I did) undertaking in the first place.

Up in the air

Baga beach, in morning

Dodol, a local goan sweet dish made from jaggery, molasses and coconut milk.

A dream left abandoned

A dream in making

A dream come true.
what more can one seek from life,
than
to be able to find love
such as this.
To have lived, loved and aged together.
To have dreamed and seen those dreams come true
and
in the twilight of life
still
have one another.
What other treasures can one seek
except
to love and be loved
what greater treasure can life bestow
on one
than
Love such as this.

May we all be as blessed as them.

foot prints in the sands of time

Ashwem Beach

Sunset