In words - The year that was

As the new year is waiting around the corner, to sneak upon me, with only it knows what, and I prepare to embrace it with all it's uncertainty, I am taking a moment to breathe, to hold on to 2013, before I let go.

Letting go, not an easy thing to do, but when you think of it, it isn't easy to be let off either. Sad isn't it to be forgotten, left behind as life moves on. I believe this is the thought that lies behind make farewells a happy occasion, to make the awful feeling that comes with goodbyes better. And so I shall bid a jolly good bye to 2013, by reminiscing all the lovely memories I owe it.

I began the year with a few unspoken resolutions, like the resolution to travel somewhere every month or atleast once in two months or the resolution to improve my cooking skills and knowledge or the resolution to work on self improvement, the resolution to swim more etc etc. To begin with, working on each of them was tough, but persistence and patience, these two words my dear readers, if u get the hang of them, can make a difference in your life like none. Not that I have gotten a hang of them, but I get the idea.

So, I travelled, and to my own amazement, roads began opening, sometimes I would find ways, sometimes ways found me - Goa, Leh, Ladakh, Beijing, San Francisco, Napa, Berkeley, Saint Augustine, Orlando, Miami, Keywest, Saint Petersberg, Tampa, NewYork, Koh Samui, Bangkok- cities ticked off from the travel map, Yes, but more than that, experiences gained, lessons learnt, realizations gained, life experienced, fears conquered.

I cooked, read about food, tasted and again, learnt - Magic can be found within the simplest of things, food teaches u this, not just this, it teaches you to love, to care, to appreciate what you have.

Swimming, it teaches u the value of stillness, to float within the moment, to be able not to chase nor look back. To experience what is. To reach and find peace within, before trying to search for it outside, and though I am not even half way through making peace with myself, I am learning.

Life, people within it, every moment it comes with, has so much for us, to learn, to grow and leave
behind our distinct imprints, if only we are willing, willing to open our hearts, our minds and ourselves.

2013 has taught me a lot, and hopefully it leaves behind in me a better person, a stronger person, filled with ideas and energy to make the year to come an even more fulfilling and fun filled experience.

Moments, that are worth a lifetime, in one lifetime. What more can one ask for? A lot, I know, being human our wants know no end, but despite that, I bid adieu to another year in the calendar of my life on a content, joyful and thankful note. 

                                                 Happy New Year

Thank you

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas is a crazy time of the year for me. I love it, it fills my heart with joy and yet it is the time of the year when I find my heart filled with a sadness that I can never explain. My being aches with a silent pain, that only my heart can understand. I wade through despair and yet before the midnight strikes, the joy which is essence of this tradition rescues me.

The essence of Christmas is joy, the joy that comes from sharing, from opening our lives and hearts for those around us and also from receiving and finding ourselves surrounded with love, care and people. It is all this that makes life so much more fuller, enriched and happier. And It is the absence of this feeling which makes my heart ache. The empty feeling that comes with a lonely existence.

And every year, this is the feeling that strikes me as the Christmas season starts, and every year secretly in my heart, this is all I wish for, when I ask, that I may be able to experience the spirit of Christmas. And even though year after year, I end up being all by myself on Christmas, I end up finding within my heart joy, joy when I remember, all that I have to be thankful for, just as I did this year.

Being thankful, for a wonderful year of travel, of experiences that I shall forever cherish, for memories that shall drive the winter away from my heart, whenever it strikes. Thankful for all that I was given by life unasked. For the warmth of my bed, while there are so many out there who lie shivering in the cold, for a full meal, while countless sleep hungry, for clothes on my body, shoes in feet, for a family, for health.

Thank you life for all this and so much more that I have. And, all I wish for, is for enough strength in being and enough joy in my heart to be able to makes the most of what I have been blessed with, to make life more blissful for those around me.

And, so like every year, I ask from Dear Santa, bless me with love, joy, travel, ability to dream and the strength to bring true those dreams. Fill my stocking with all that u have in store for me so that I
can make every moment that I have of this lifetime meaningful. Give to my loved ones, family and friends all that they wish for and much more. May life take care of them always and may love never leave them alone.

                                        Merry Christmas! may you find within your hearts the spirit of Christmas and in your lives the joy of being. Good tidings to you, wherever you are, whoever you are.

Travelogue - Experiences

I have been travelling since the last two weeks. Boy! What a time I have been having.

Beijing, San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma, Berkeley, Saint Augustine, Orlando so far and the list will grow over the coming weeks.

I have seen, read, heard, talked, experienced so much in terms of cultures, people, food, life that I am still soaking it all in. I had promised myself a daily record, and even though I am working on it, I am just on day one, I am going to try and find time to get the words on the paper before they start fading away.
But even if the words fade away, the stories won't be entirely lost, they will remain in pictures, experiences, feelings and memories.....

A sneak peek into the experiences -

Beijing - a myth busted, china explored, cultural contrasts, colours, The Great Wall, a new sensual awakening.

San Francisco - found  myself again, rediscovered the traveller, explorer and entrepreneur in me. Faced my fears, struggled and got beyond them. Found my crazy un contained, uncontrolled source of energy back while falling in love with this city.

Napa and Sonoma - a sensual delight. The lovely colours of autumn, the fairy tale houses, wineries and vineyards. The poet within me was awakened again.

Berkeley - quiet city. Churning within it's urn countless minds. Oh! Didn't I feel as if the slate of my mind
had been wiped clean and I was ready to begin again. To start afresh, to become a student again.

Saint Augustine - took me to Spain and Mexico, partying on the road, sound of music wafting through the street, the care free aroma of the weekend in the air, pitchers of sangria and Latin music. A long drive in a convertible with wind blowing through your hairs. What more does one want from a weekend.

Orlando - quiet laid back, city of lakes and Disney ( as everyone keeps telling me) , a little time of hibernation before I let loose the wanderer within again.

                        As I travel I find again the bits of me that I had lost to this world.
          We travellers, we are a strange breed - Finders Keepers. Treasure seekers. Treasure keepers.

Begin Again - US travelogue

Yet again I find myself sitting at the airport, waiting to begin another journey and wondering in my mind, why am I doing this?

This is the most exasperating part of the whole journey, as far as I am concerned. More exasperating than all the crazy planning, bookings, budgeting, convincing the family, applying for leaves blah blah (the usual list of a frequent traveller's rants).  It is especially exasperating and annoying when you have spent over 3 months planning for the trip, only to find yourself sitting plagued with self-doubt, questioning your own motives.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh. It is exasperating. This is the moment before every trip when all my euphoria, excitement and lust for travel disappears and is replaced by the black hole of worries about all the things that can go wrong on the journey, worries about having burnt my hard earned bank balance on probably a pain in ass ( I mean the journey and discomforts that come along with being away from the comforts of home), worries about missing my flight, forgetting my passport (these are the few reasonable ones but there are absolutely hilarious ones as well) worries about family, my patients and what not.

It is no wonder people find me in absolute tatters at the start of my travels, and if I were to ever marry I am sure my husband would send me on vacations just to enjoy watching me in this state of absolute discomfort.

And this makes me wonder if this anxiety comes to me because I am not a natural traveller. It is a
passion that I have acquired. It also makes me wonder how I have let myself become a puppet to my fears and my limits.

So, I am off for a month long vacation, beginning with Beijing to San Francisco to Florida to New York before I get back home. And yes, even though I can hardly figure out all the things that I planned to do, maybe it is a good thing, because then when I begin I will no longer be slave to planning. Instead I will have fun exploring, discovering, learning, testing myself in the waters beyond my comfort zone, in short tasting life as it is.

And it is worth it. This experience with all it's worries and hassles and mental and physical stress because it is a reminder of the limits that we have set for ourselves and how it is important to push ourselves beyond those limits and that unless we do, we shall end up limiting ourselves into a tiny shell, while there is huge wide world which is still awaiting to be explored, paths that yet lie untrodden, lives yet untouched, our stories yet incomplete, awaiting to be written, while we let our courage become a hostage of our fears and the limits they confine us to.

I travel to break these limits.

And this time I am going to keep a daily travelogue of my journey to share my experience. Feel free to drop in your suggestions, feedback or just amuse yourself with my crazy writing.

This and That

As usual a lot of this and a lot of that. This is what happens when u finally get down to writing after having not written for a while, You don't know where to begin, and yet there is so much to tell, because life as we all know is a non stop motion picture.

To begin with, I have been busy, well who is not, but I guess I derive pleasure out of saying so, because it gives me the feeling that I have been upto something constructive rather than lying idle. Yep but I really was more busy than usual, taking care of the patients I get paid to take care and at the same time being a care taker for elders who are my duty.
                                     And while I was playing the role of care taker, I realised how scary it must be for old people in the age, when they need to be taken care off, to find themselves alone and maybe feeling helpless. Just imagining that was scary for me and my heart bled to think how people deal with that. For our elders, in the prime of their age, having someone by their side, may not be essential for financial or physical support, rather for emotional strength and to know that no matter what, they are not going to be alone, that there is and that there will be someone there for them no matter what. And this is what I was doing for my aunt and uncle, who have always been there for me all the while whenever I needed them, being by their side, when they need me, so that they may not have to experience that scary feeling. But having dealt with all that I am a stronger person, because if they could be so strong and face life with such strength at their age, I can definitely deal with life and whatever it has to throw my way. In a way, even in their moment of weakness they have given me more than I could ask for, a renewed strength. I am a better person and better professional.

I also wondered about the concept of family, and though I realise the significance of the concept better, I really can not begin to wrap my mind around it. At the same time I have known so many people to leave their aged to fend for themselves or ignore them. I wish such people would know, the nature of their error.

That aside, I have been busy planning my trip to US, reading, researching, finalising. And after all  this I can tell u travel is a full time job in itself. But then there is the thrill of seeing new places, having new experiences, meeting my favourite set of people and spending time with them, at the same time trying new activities that I have been wanting to do.

I am looking forward to taking care of my uncle and aunt and travelling and studying and trying my hands at new activities. Now I will get back to being busy again and be back soon with more updates.        Till then live, spread love and most importantly be kind, especially to those who do not ask for your kindness but need it, let the humane instincts which make you humans guide you.

The Demons and Me

Those of you who have been reading my posts will remember, how these days I am busy dealing with my demons, in regular words, my fears and insecurities. And by Jove! There are so many of them. Since it would be too difficult talking about all of them in one post, Instead of talking about them, I will talk about all that I have learnt while struggling with those demons.

I am my own worst critic, or atleast I used to be. When I say that I do not mean, that I am going to ignore them or refuse to deal with them, it's just that I no longer beat myself about them. I have learnt, that not all is right with us, we each of us have our own little (at times not so little) faults, but more important, than berating ourselves about them or creating contraptions to hide them ( which is exactly what we do most of the time) is to acknowledge them and then to work hard to get rid of them. 

I started by beginning to love myself and by standing up for myself. That is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and we should. Because even in the worst of us, there is something special, and that special is what sets us apart from the crowd and that special is what needs to be acknowledge and nurtured. And for that to happen we have to nurture ourselves, with love, with friendship, with knowledge, with curiosity, with the right kind of people. And so did I. (Tip - In life and in love, surround yourself with people who instead of simply accepting you for who you are, make you want to become better than who you are)

And, as I began nurturing myself, I realised that most of us in life, spend a lot of time doing things we don't feel like doing, for the sake of people who are just as clueless about life as we are and yet we make the mistake of taking their word for our lives!!! Lesson learnt - listen, keep those eyes and ears open to the world, but in the end do what u feel is right. Never compromise your joy to do things that make u unhappy to make others happy. Because in the long run, unless you are happy doing what what you are doing, that joy will never come.

And so, yes I am willing to make adjustments and do things for people who I care about, which I otherwise won't, but when those adjustments start making my life miserable or when people start taking my efforts for granted, that is the time I will stand up for myself and say ENOUGH. No matter who the person be, no matter how much they may mean to me, because the most important person for me is ME.

My rage, yes I began dealing with it too, I began looking past it. I realised the reason why I end up having to deal with the rage is, because I in the first place, fail to check the cause of that rage right in the beginning, at times because I am being too polite, at others because I do not want to hurt people's feeling or at times because I really don't know how to put in words what I am feeling ( because I am socially retarded) and in the end all that accumulated irritation bursts out in the form of rage, which hurts not only me, but also my relationships. So, I have begun, by becoming vocal about my issues with those concerned and I am beginning to kill the Damn rage. Communication is a very important thing, listening to people who matter and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate is the key for successful and strong relationships. It may not be as easy it seems, but it is not difficult either.

More than often I find myself jealous of certain people and it was one thing that really used to bother me. because Jealousy is one of the most down graded emotions that exist, and it was a relief when I figured out that it was infact not jealousy that I feel, it's envy. I envy people, who in their lives have found what they love doing and are in pursuit of that, I do so because I am so lost and clueless about exactly what is it that would give me joy, joy of having done atleast something meaningful, to have made atleast a little difference in this world through my existence. The fact that I am yet to figure that out makes me miserable. (You would wonder that being a doctor I am saying this, but this is as true as it can get)

Enough for a post I believe, so the scores at the end of round 1 - Demons 0 (Ugh) Me 1 (Yay)  

Oops before I forget to share, I have finally begun working on my personal project of this year, that is, To cook atleast one dish expertly everyday, and I am making good progress. So far have made tomato bruschetta, garden veggie burger, hummus, chocolate fudge cake, lemon diva cake, spring rolls, samosas, penne arrabiatta, paneer tikka, vegetable pulao, baby corn masala and no bake almond chocolate brownies, will start blogging about my food experiment soon.

And I am planning a trip again. So, till the next time you hear from, do take good care of yourself and shower your love around and on ME ;). 

Facing The Demons

As children we were all afraid of the dark, afraid of the monsters that might be lurking behind the veil of darkness. Weren't we?

But Growing up we have all managed to bury that fear of darkness, but did we manage to bury those monsters we were afraid off as well?

I have often wondered what were those monsters really? Were they just a figment of our childish imagination or something just more than that. I believe they were more than just creatures from horror stories brought alive by our imagination. They were infact our own fears, our own demons disguised as the characters that scared us in our stories. It wasn't exactly the dark that scared us, it was the fear of the unknown that lay behind that darkness, the feeling of not having our parents next to us in that unknown, the uncertainty of it all, that scared us.

The monsters were just an elaborate disguise employed by human mind to hide it's own vulnerability.  And it continues to play the game as we grow, we keep avoiding facing the actual fears that bother us, our fallings. Instead we use our egos to bury them, we create elaborate bubbles to give ourselves a false notion of security, to escape from facing the real monsters.

But as the saying goes ' You can run, but you can never hide. ' For peace to come into our lives, we have to walk past the veil of that darkness, we have to come face to face with those demons we have been trying to outrun. We have to look beyond our ego, break through our bubble and face the dark side of us, to find our way through and Unless we do that, we will never find ourselves at peace, because even though this Mind of our plays these elaborate games to hide it's weaknesses, it still wishes to get rid of them, otherwise it would never have created those demons that tormented us.

This is what I have been upto off late, Standing upto my demons, taking them by their horns and beating them down. The main problem one faces is this initial resistance to begin. An inertia, And at that, Inertia of the being and Inertia of those surrounding the being, both together being a formidable force. I am beginning to break past that force, but there is still a long way to go and I am not sure if I will be able to make it to the end, but I sure as hell am going to try my best.

Enough for one post I guess, I will let u have a sneak peek at some of my demons in the next post.