It's been a while...I have been struggling with myself...I have been bugged, bothered, angry, low, disgusted...with myself, with if not many then atleast a few people around me....I have been struggling to find comfort, peace and understanding about myself and my life....none are coming....I tried drowning myself in work....It did not work....I tried drowning myself in books, in random things, cooking, painting...even plainly doing nothing....but nothing worked.....
My problem basically is and I think always has been that " I Want..."
I always seem to be wanting...I have....but I want more than what I have, if I don't want more then I want answers...I am just obsessed with wanting, never content forever ranting.
I have parents, who love me and care for me...but I want more...I want 'em to understand me...I want 'em to look at life through my eyes..appreciate my perspective, which is seemingly different from their own...and still love & care for me.....the conflict arises I try and talk..but I am too impatient and a bit angry and they are too unyielding, one thing leads to another..and the struggling begins...
I have parents, who love me and care for me...but I want more...I want 'em to understand me...I want 'em to look at life through my eyes..appreciate my perspective, which is seemingly different from their own...and still love & care for me.....the conflict arises I try and talk..but I am too impatient and a bit angry and they are too unyielding, one thing leads to another..and the struggling begins...
I have people around me who care...who are around...but I want more...I want friends who I can count on...whom I can share with....on whom I can assert..I can't find any..I feel let down...and I wish...
I wanted to be a doctor...I am one...I don't want to be just a doctor...I want to be so much more..do so much more..be an artist, a writer, a dancer, a cook, a violinist, a kindergarten teacher, a traveller....I feel I made a wrong choice stepping into the shoes of a doctor..not 'cuz I lack the expertise..but 'cuz I lack the devoted consistent commitment to be a doctor...I feel lost...I feel foolish, unsure....and I struggle..
And then again..I just wonder why do I struggle so much with my life...I know I have more than many...why can't I take it as it is, like so many others do and go on...Why can't I remain happy with what I have?...I have learnt that life always knows the best for it's children, it puts us through only that much which it knows we can carry and it puts us where..we can do best what it wants us to...knowing and understanding all this...I still struggle with life...'cuz I just don't seem to find answers for why is all that is happening, happening...could life not have found a better and perhaps an easier way...I don't seem to understand a few things, why in the first place did life had to make me so discontent ...I struggle to understand...
I came across this post http://suz-beginagain.blogspot.com/2011/07/from-may-sartons-well.html today and a few questions started to make sense....
Life I believe works through distillation i.e. the process of first heating a mixture to separate the more volatile from the less volatile parts, and then cooling and condensing the resulting vapor so as to produce a more nearly pure or refined substance......
In life's processing the mixture is us, you, me all of us....it works on us slowly...separating the more volatile (in our case useless, maybe even harmful bits of our characters) from the less volatile (things that are better for us, making us less prone to self combustion!!!)....gradually and gradually cooling us through it's cold, at times harsh ways till the time is right.....to bring to light the refined, pure being that lies beneath all the muck....the being that It knew lay within, the being it had faith in , a faith that never wavered.
All we need to do is believe in the faith that life has in us...hold on to life's persistent prodding hand...not to struggle against life's flow...but to flow with it, I have struggled against the flow reached where I wanted to, only to learn, that it would have been better had I flown along...to believe that even if we can't see it at the moment...the road lies just beyond the next bush obscured from our sight...to just keep walking step by step, holding on to the faith...that
"Life like all mothers, knows the best for each of it's children and will always take care of it's children, it will let go only when it knows that we can handle the road that lays ahead and even then, it will always be just behind us to pull us up on our feet, if we shall stumble"
I know easier said, than done....but I shall keep the thought in my heart, hold on to it when nothing shall seem like....and struggle on instead of despairing....I shall keep moving.
I Will Believe
I came across this post http://suz-beginagain.blogspot.com/2011/07/from-may-sartons-well.html today and a few questions started to make sense....
Life I believe works through distillation i.e. the process of first heating a mixture to separate the more volatile from the less volatile parts, and then cooling and condensing the resulting vapor so as to produce a more nearly pure or refined substance......
In life's processing the mixture is us, you, me all of us....it works on us slowly...separating the more volatile (in our case useless, maybe even harmful bits of our characters) from the less volatile (things that are better for us, making us less prone to self combustion!!!)....gradually and gradually cooling us through it's cold, at times harsh ways till the time is right.....to bring to light the refined, pure being that lies beneath all the muck....the being that It knew lay within, the being it had faith in , a faith that never wavered.
All we need to do is believe in the faith that life has in us...hold on to life's persistent prodding hand...not to struggle against life's flow...but to flow with it, I have struggled against the flow reached where I wanted to, only to learn, that it would have been better had I flown along...to believe that even if we can't see it at the moment...the road lies just beyond the next bush obscured from our sight...to just keep walking step by step, holding on to the faith...that
"Life like all mothers, knows the best for each of it's children and will always take care of it's children, it will let go only when it knows that we can handle the road that lays ahead and even then, it will always be just behind us to pull us up on our feet, if we shall stumble"
I know easier said, than done....but I shall keep the thought in my heart, hold on to it when nothing shall seem like....and struggle on instead of despairing....I shall keep moving.
I Will Believe
