Randomness

Keep still, my heart,
Nor ask for peace, when care may suit thee best,
Nor ask for love, nor joy, nor even rest,
But be content to love, whate'er betide,
And maybe love will bring thee to Love's side 


- Cheiro

Being me

(My apologies for the length of this post, to any one who does read this!!, I don't think there will be many)

I remember being 15 days into 2011 (the year of the rabbit) and feeling like I had already lived through an entire year and dreading the rest of the year that was to come, Now having lived through 2 months of 2011 I wonder if I will scrape through this year intact and sane, chances are looking dim...

In these two months, the major emotions that have been on my mind, have been, 

Massive confusion, the feeling of hanging by the pendulum in between choices, where u know that one isn't very healthy for you and the other though healthy isn't what u would like to live with (I for some unfathomable reasons have the tendency to go for the fatalistic choices for the purpose of my joyful existence!!, I guess I was born in the year of the Mad hatter)

Growing helplessness, hopelessness & irritation having to deal day in and out with a family which on the pretext of love & concern is increasingly becoming more and more limiting, hindering and irrational. I can't turn my back on them for all the love I have for them and all that I owe to them and I can't go on living a compromise for the sake of them.

Somebody told me I am looking to live in a perfect world, when I expect my family to be understanding (considering I am a female species living in a country like India, with parents who are educated forward looking blokes, but are hard core conservatives when it comes down to walking off the set line.), the person told me living is a compromise, Family when it comes to family, World when it comes to world.

My question is Why? I have no answer. I can understand compromising in the world, they are strangers, U don't expect them to understand you, with them U have to fight for your terms and conditions (but, I have come across quite a few angelic strangers) but Why does one has to compromise to make people who are your own happy, Isn't love and concern supposed to releasing as against binding and holding u back from living your dreams? I think the problem lies in expecting or expectations (as a stranger on a random encounter had once told me)

And before somebody thinks, that I have forgotten my blessing, no I haven't, I know I am more blessed than many, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try and wish to be more blessed. 

All in all, I am, off late feeling like a jerk, a hard core selfish, self centered person. I think the problem lies not with others but with me, that I am plain incapable of adjustments, understanding, being happy or sustaining relationships. Gosh! I so hate myself for being me.

change

life goes on, 
joy comes by, so does sorrow 
love touches and passes by 
seasons come and go by,
people walk in and walk away,
only u remain changed, 
and yet chained
till death finally comes by.

‎...the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~Walt Whitman, "O Me! O Life!" .


 Make it a beautiful verse, 
one that when touches the eyes, makes 'em smile, 
when spoken sounds like a melody,
when heard sounds like joyous hope,
and touches one and all with a healing tenderness.

Resolutions 2011 - cooking

Well, I havn't forgotten and I am making efforts to cook. Bought quite a few cook books on the cuisines I wanted to try this year, that is Lebanese, Italian and Indian.

Started my cooking experiment, On Sunday 13th Feb, with an innovation of my own, a sweet dish made by grinding together almonds and raisins into a paste, with a little warm milk and cardamom, to be eaten chilled. (Everyone liked it, i'll just need to tweak the proportions a bit ;D)

Today, tried my hand at Lebanese cooking, Made falafel with hummus, fried chick peas and pita bread salad, as per the recipe, given in Nita Mehta's guide to Lebanese cooking. It turned out to be good and I felt so happy to have cooked an entire meal all by myself, I was literally jumping on the floor.

Now, I can really say, It is a joy to cook, all you need for cooking is to love food and readiness to experiment.

My cooking experiments shall continue..keep looking at this space for more such joyous cooking filled posts.

Thank You

Been a long time since I did the New year resolutions - Thank you post, no wonder I have been feeling so heavy under the weight of all the Thank you's waiting to be said.

Had been busy preparing for an exam, which mattered a lot and turned out to be a real kick in the ass. But I owe it to an amazing set of family and friends who were kind enough to tolerate me with my never ending panic attacks and mood swings. and here begins the Thank you Roll -

 Mom and Dad - Boy they have patience, to have brought me up and to have tolerated me all these years and to still want to bear with me. Hats off. I wish, more than anything that my choices would make you happy and am waiting for the day when they will make u happy (yeah I have hopes, that that day will come some day).

Bhai - for all the lemon tarts he got me, I owe my weight gain to them.

Surubhi - well, well, well, I am just thankful for my blessings, that I have her in my life and that she hasn't decided to disown me yet, after all my brattiness, I love you mumma and Though it may seem like, I don't value your words, concerns and presence in my life, I am aware of the treasure I have in the form of your words, your presence, the understanding that u give me and am thankful for it, but that doesn't mean I won't ask for more :P :P

Adee - A big big big very big thank you HD, for not just your wishes, but your words, for being around when am low, for making me smile and knowing when u need to make me smile and for letting me be what I am. And if the stamp paper guarantee, you have given me turns true, partying it shall be. I am blessed to have you around and I am always aware of that.

KP - (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for being the sweetest and the bestest thing to happen to me and for tolerating my panic tantrums, for all your wishes and prayers (i hope they work
).

Anirudhha and Vineet - Thankyou for your wishes and the wake up call and pep up talks.

Kaushik and Himanshu - Thank you for the wishes, If I make it through the exam, I'll torture u more with my dactari :P :P

Amit, Prachi, Pranav, Sumit, Masi, Masaji, Mamu, Nani Thank you for all your wishes and love. Love u all.

Rahul and Anoop - for making bloodaid possible, for all your efforts and help.

Rahul Uncle - For your love and concern.

Monica - U are the sweetest friend.

My maid, my driver for their kind wishes and for making my life, as easy as it.

To pallavi, Gautam, Surubhi, Kaushik, Vineet and Himanshu - for all the fun we had over the weekend.

And to countless other people who knowingly or unknowingly make my life easier, and have kept me in your prayers, I do make it a point to say Thank you to all these people but still. And though u may not read this or even need this. I need to say this. Because, When I say Thank You, I offer my gratitude, for things for which I can't give back anything in return.

I am blessed to have u all around.

The Conflict

Off late I have spent more time worrying, thinking, dejected, confused and irritated than happy and content. I have not a had a moment's peace or bliss. It's like there is a storm brewing in the ocean of my heart, mind and soul which has distorted and disheveled my calm, leaving me torn.

Why?

Because I am at war with my Ownself. A war in which I have lost my focus on how to move about in life to achieve my goals. I do not know when exactly this war started or what lead to it, but now I am in the center of this storm, beyond which I cannot see and within which I can no longer stand.

The conflict is between,

 The heart of a child, who wishes to remain a child, who looks at the world still with it's childish eyes, wishes to walk in it holding on to it's innocence, live in it like it's a playground, living everyday as a delight fulfilling it's dreams.

 The mind of an adult, who's walked into the big bad world, seen the cruel harsh reality that lies within, has been crushed by what it has seen and dreads that world. The mind which knows that to walk unscathed in this  world it cannot escape compromise and practicality. That the easiest way, though not the best and dead boring is probably the most secure.

The soul, which wishes to embrace the child, hide her away from the world, and watch her grow and flourish nourished by the innocence of heart and the delight of living her dreams. The soul, which fears for her child, walking into the world, that mind has seen and knows that her child shall not remain unscathed and yet is unwilling to let the child walk the path that the mind tells her is secure.

I have lost my focus in this war, I do not wish anymore to be a rat in a rat race of which I unwillingly became a part and follow the asses of the rest of the rats. I no longer know how to walk in this world being myself, how to fulfill those dreams with which I'd set out. The war is starting to wear me out now and I do not know for how long I can hold on.

                                               Oh Life! why can't some children always remain children.