Travelogue Phuket 2012 - Exploring 3

I can barely recall being in this moment, yet it was one of the most striking moments of the entire trip for me, along with the moment when we canoed into the limestone caves, and Still, but for this photograph (the credit of which goes to Jacob) I would scarcely be able to recall it.

Strange, as it may sound, this happens to me pretty often, I seem to have the haziest recollection of the moments, which have been the most beautiful, joyous, awesome and defining moments of my life. (does it happen to you as well?)

I remember being in this moment, drinking in this view with all my senses, breathing in, the peace, feeling the caress of the wind, listening to the sound of the waves, the touch of sand on my bare feet, mesmerized with the enormity and vastness of the spectacle that lay before me. I remember trying to inhale and exhale each breath as slowly as I could, as if by doing so I could slow time and hold it within my every breath, to make those precious moments last as long as I could, as if anyone can hold time and yet I tried.

I remember having the camera around my neck, and wanting to capture that moment, to freeze it forever and yet not making a move or clicking a single picture. I remember feeling delighted with the silence surrounding me, and not wanting to hear a sound, just in case the spell would break. I remember just wanting to remain, remain in that moment, to breathe it, to feel it, to live it for as long as I could. In that moment I remember experiencing stillness, the stillness that comes with knowing that u belong within the moment u are in, that u are where u were meant to be, the stillness that comes when the consciousness becomes one with the unconscious, the stillness that comes when man and nature seamlessly blend together, when the mind and the soul find peace.
                                       I guess, I so wanted to live in that moment (and in all those other moments which were as beautiful as this), that a part of me was just left behind in that moment, the part of my consciousness that I can barely remember, is alive, alive in that moment which I lived so fully, that it was left behind in the sands of time and there it shall remain, frozen forever, like the view remains frozen in these photographs.

I may never be able to recollect those moment as vividly as I had experience them, but I will find these bits of myself again, someday in some other place when I experience again that stillness within. Maybe that is the reason why I travel, to find another place, to find another moment, to experience the stillness, to find again the bits of me, I left behind, to become whole again and to leave behind another bit of me, to find it again in the endless river of time.

James Bond Island

Panyee Island, The sea gypsy island, nice view but u easily can skip visiting it.

The caves

I remember my heart whispering silently as we cruised past those mighty mountains, countless trees and the vast ocean -

                    Let me be.
                    Let me remain.
                    as a grain of sand,
                    a drop of water
                    a tree, a bird, a fish
                    a silent stone, a cloud
                    as the wind that blows.
                    As an insignificant nothing,
                    but let me remain, with you
                    I belong to you.
                    And
                    I remember stillness speak-
                    to me you belong,
                    as who u are now,
                    and forever shall,
                    as whoever u will be,
                    whenever u will be.
                    U are my longing
                    My longing for myself,
                    I live through u,
                    I live in you.



P.S - These pictures are of Phang Nga Bay and the islands and the limestone caves that we visited. I don't have any decent pictures of the caves or for that matter the bay or the islands, as I was too awestruck with spectacular view to be able to do any decent photography. If u are travelling to Phuket, do visit this beautiful bay, and make sure that u book the trip directly through the company, rather than tour operators. I have not mentioned the limestone caves we explored in the canoes, probably because I do not have enough words to describe the feeling of awe that the experience left me with and I doubt I ever will find those words, it just needs to be experienced.

Travelogue Phuket 2012 - Exploring -2

Vacations are about stepping out of a door, locking it and throwing away the key till u want to open the door and walk back in again.

The thing about them is, given that, you manage to take a break from the regular routine and forget completely all of those worries and questions from everyday mundane life, that the poor mind goes through to sort out some problem or the other that is plaguing it, you end up finding for yourself the leisure of musing.

Musing! Ah!! and you must be wondering what the heck, because the whole point of taking a vacation is to get away from all the overdrive thinking we do everyday.

That is my point, vacations give u the leisure to muse randomly when u wish to and not at all if u don't wish to. And that is precisely the reason that these random musings, when they rarely do happen, even if they don't leave u with any solutions, they at least leave u with a clearer perspective of your problems. Quite sometimes I have found in these ramblings, conclusions that have given poor mind a break(even if it last for a few moments or days) from that crazy tug of war of finding solutions and this feeling is nothing short of bliss.

This vacation gave me quite a few moments of such peaceful ramblings as I went exploring.

We checked out The weekend market, that takes place in Phuket Town every weekend, it's an extensive market offering a huge variety of goods ranging from clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, tech stuff, local handicrafts and street food. In short a shopper's heaven. It's such a pity I am no longer a shopaholic, because If I had been I would have got lost in those tiny lanes, explored them in and out and emerged hours later loaded with bags and bags of my loot. The food smelled yummy too, we tried a few kebabs and pickles which were great. I am sure we would have discovered a few more interesting things hiding within some corner there but because we were short of time we did not linger around for long.
(Tip - to get the best deals, u have to haggle and the best way to do it, is to bring the price down to half of what was quoted and then bargain)

@ The weekend market

After the weekend market, we went to explore Patong. Now that I think of it, had it not been for Jacob, I doubt if I would have ever gone there, because it definitely was not on my exploring list and I need to thank him for that experience. It was a Saturday, and the place was in it's full element, not that it would have been less vibrant, noisy, crowded or happening if it had been any other day, because I doubt if Patong ever sleeps at night.

It's an experience, at night, Patong is. Not to be missed. Unforgettable and yet forgettable. Colorful, lit, bright, noisy, alive, thronged by scores and scores of people, lined by countless pubs, diners, bars, strip clubs, go - go bars. It hits u in full force and seduces the unsuspecting traveler within you with it's charm.

I remember telling Jacob, as I stepped on it's main street, Bangla road, that this is my kind of place, I could party here endlessly, get lost and not be found. We walked down the main street, crossed over and went to the huge street food market along the beach, checked each and every stall (all the while depriving poor Jacob of a decent dinner to sample the street food, of which in the end I sampled only a little ), checked out the fine-diners across the street food markets, caught a glimpse of a beach side concert, released a sky lantern, sat on the beach, saw fireworks (also saw a man pee right on the beach !!!!!! really!!!), explored more and sometime during this, the spell that Patong had weaved over me broke and the illusion got over. I had seen through the beautiful mask of Patong, into the layers within. It wasn't hideous, but it wasn't beautiful either and it certainly wasn't charming or a place I could remain lost into. I don't think I will ever fall under the spell of Patong again. I may go back there, I may spend a night sitting and drinking in one of those roadside bars, dance at one of those discs and enjoy myself, but I won't ever be deluded by it.

Patong - lit and vibrant

The Banana Crepe - yummmm

One of the countless many bars

letting go

Fireworks

I believe it's charm lies in the bubble of illusion it creates and offers to you as an escape from reality, u walk dazed in that illusion while it lasts, but the moment the bubble breaks, u can only but recollect it as a haze. Maybe I have not experienced life enough to understand, what kind of entertainment do people find in those go-go bars, baton bars in the alleys or what companionship can they get by watching belly dancers or what solace can loneliness find by sleeping with a sex worker or how noise and crowd can substitute for music and the spirit of fun. But, having experienced it, all I can say is that Patong, at night, with all it's glory is nothing but a fantasy, but still a fantasy worth experiencing once.

But I still have some beautiful memories from that night and oddly enough, none of them are of those colorful, bright noisy streets and places I went to. I remember the delicious, mouth watering, melt in mouth crisp Banana crepes ( a thai street food special and I can't thank Jacob enough for introducing me to them, I can still taste them melting in my mouth) and the crispiness of the spring rolls I had had at one of the stalls. I remember releasing my sky lantern and watching it hover in the air, feeling scared as it wavered a bit and threatened to crash and feeling delightful when it ultimately rose and went far away into the sky. I remember saying a silent prayer in that moment, for dreams, mine, of the dear friend next to me and of all those countless people who dare to dream, that they may rise, come true and shine like this lantern and light up the lives of people they reach

But the most clear memory that I have of that night is of sitting quietly next to Jacob on the sand, removed far away from the noise and glamour of Patong (which was just a few paces away), staring far into the darkness and listening to the waves wash on the beach, the sound of the sea, lighted by the darkness of the night, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

I sat there contemplating the uncertainties of life and the realization that even with all these uncertainties, one could still find peace, and that peace cannot come by trying to escape from reality into the make believe, rather that peace can be found in the night, the wind, the sound of waves, the stars shining above, the sun rising, the flowers, the singing birds, the sound of laughter or even in silence, the moment when we close our eyes, tune off the pointless clutter and surrender ourselves into the arms of nature. Because peace comes from within us, it comes when we are at peace with our own self and till then no matter how far and how long we may wander, we shall still not find what we seek.

For a moment then I had found peace, though I have lost it again now and I shall wander on in search of it, I know now that it's not as elusive as it seems, thanks to the musings at leisure.

I Believe...

The way u treat people describes your character.

 So if u want to know what people feel about u, look back and see how u treated them.

 U treat someone well, they feel good about u, u treat someone like shit, they feel crappy about u. 

Perception is relative. 

So be careful about the way u treat people.

Randomness

Many a times I meet people to whom, silent empathy is all I can offer, that is when my heart grows heavy

 wishing, that silent empathy could be of any help. 

With that empathy comes Silent gratitude, for what I have. 

At these times I realize, that, It is such a beautiful life that I have, and such a mess that I have turned it into. 

And

I wish I was a better person.

And

I strive to make myself a better person, than I am.

I Believe...

I Believe....

Life Will make us face our worst fears, no matter what,
Until,
we learn, that the our sense of security is probably the only illusion to be feared.
That life is nothing but a ride out there in the wild.

And that only those who dare to break out of the bubble of that illusion will experience what it means to be alive, Everyone else is just whiling away their precious lifetime secured in the cage.

 like the mother bird pushes the baby bird out of it's nest into the open sky to fly away to greater heights, so does life, 'cuz it wishes us to go farther, rise higher, fly free, explore the world and experience the best that is out there.

So, the time when u stand facing the worst u had ever thought could happen, don't give up, don't fall down go and grab it by the arm, it'll be opportunity knocking on your door. 

I Believe..

I like to travel for many reasons...

But sometimes I just want to travel, to break free from the bubble I live in, to challenge myself with the new, the unknown, the unexpected and to let the experience teach me, change me, but more importantly to remind myself that fear is just a figment of my sense of security and that it exists only as long as I let it exist. To remind myself, that it's not my fears that hold me back, rather my lack of will to fight them.

I simply travel, to wake up within me, the thrill lying dormant, the thrill of 'Being alive' that comes through the experience of living boundlessly.

So, Why is it that you travel?

26

Someone once told me, birthdays are magical days, but this year, there was no magic and I kept wondering why!! and then I realized that it's probably because -  

Even after 25 years of having been alive and kicking, I am still blundering around, trying to find my road, to find the fuel that shall turn on the light within into a raging inferno.....25 yrs of not coming in terms with my own self, of lacking an understanding of my self....What a shame and What a huge waste of a life.
            I am angry with myself for wasting away the gift of life, angry with myself at being so confused, angry with myself when I see people who've found their passions and what that passion can do to a human being and how that drive can make life such a beauty, angry that I can't still find mine because I had rather be a flower of a day, filled with passion, purpose and to have done something worthwhile in that one day, than having had a life time of nothing but existing....being passionless, makes me angry and my anger makes me weary of myself.

Wish List

March happens to be my birthday month (25th being the day), I am a disaster when it comes to wishing, most of the times I begin with 'I wish......Full stop. And I end up saying, go ahead life, give me whatever u think is best for me.'  And this I think is the reason of my disastrous wish response record, 'cuz I read it somewhere, 'If u want something, be specific about it.' So this year I have decided to break free from my usual wish making and make a tiny wish list of my own.

So for my 25th Birthday and the year to come ahead I wish for -

Surprise, surprise and lots of surprises.
A bunch of white daisies :D :D
A white and blue party dress and sexy sandals.
A beach vacation.
Hot air balloon ride and sand dune party.
A trekking trip and cottage vacation.
Determination and perseverance and patience to work hard and Clear the exams I am targeting this year.
May love find me and may I find love (of course I have lots of people of love), but here I am referring to the one and only ;).

This my tiny little Birthday wishlist. I shall keep u updated about it's progress through blog posts.

Love and smiles.

The tale of the tribe of lovers

There is a feeling that we all experience, at some point or the other in our lives, which cannot be explained with words, but it is there, an unexplained restless wistful gloominess.


A growing discontent, while having all that we had wished and worked for, while watching the dreams we had dreamed grow and take shape and being surrounded by the dreams that we had seen come true, and yet finding no sense of content or joy in our achievements.........there is a vague longing for something that we seemed to have missed in our life, like the center piece of jig-saw puzzle, without which the puzzle is meaningless, it's a feeling stubbornly resistant to all our attempts to escape its clutches, a feeling that, once when it enters the consciousness of our being just threatens to render our soul joyless and restless.

And it is then when u sit experiencing this feeling, trying to figure out what that missing piece of your life's jigsaw puzzle is, that u realize, that your soul is no longer being content with just being it's own company. And that this discontent is nothing but the emptiness of your soul, seeking an end to it's loneliness, seeking someone to share itself with, to be listened and understood. It is the emptiness of a living soul, that lies beneath the genesis of love.

It is this longing of a soul, that is love.

And thus it is no wonder, that love can be such a changing experience, because it is a soul, with a desire not to just exist with it's own self, but to share itself, to learn, and to grow. It is a soul no longer closed, rather one that is ready to brush past it's fellow companions in this sea of existence to fulfill it's destiny, ready not to just make it's presence felt, to feel the presence of others, ready to understand, because it seeks to be understood, ready to listen, because it no longer wants to speak to silence, rather it wants to talk out aloud and to be heard. And it is then that the soul begins it's journey to find other wanderers like it's own self, while searching for the one that shall be the one to quench it's thirst. It is this longing, that gives loves it's strength to bring about unfathomable changes. That opens one human being to reach out for another, to seek others like themselves.

So, when your souls is ready and it sounds the siren of it's longing, heed that call and let yourself experience the magic of love and let it light up the spark that is lying dormant within you, and watch the spectacle unfold, let your journey begin.........and though it will be a bitter sweet journey but when love has finished itself with u, and when u find your spring the sweetness of it shall not leave behind a memory of that bitter taste.

I have begun my journey....happy journey to those who are yet to begun and a prayer for a beautiful end for fellow travelers who are already on the quest.

15th August 2011

15th August 2011

64 years since the stroke of midnight, when India, the Nation and it's people achieved their Independence, after a long and hard fought struggle.

64 years since, the pioneers of freedom struggle, who with the belief in their hearts and minds, that, a free people, who have witnessed the tyranny of being enslaved, would understand the true meaning of Independence, and cherish that understanding and freedom of free decision making, to make choices that would help every person live their life self righteously, upholding their beliefs and ethos and, thus, creating, A society and ultimately A nation, where they can do so freely without being forced to compromise their integrity and choices by the whims of a choicest few, gave to the people of India the gift of Independence.

64 years since, An entire nation and a society has collectively watched that dream fade away into the muck of  individual and progressing Corruption, which has swept far and wide through every aspect, be it bureaucratic, politics, economic, infrastructural, judicial, of the largest democracy in the world.

64 years to this day, where situation has come to a pass, that this entire nation is ravaged into a serious debate on how to bring accountability in this 'Democracy' of the people, by the people and for the people, by creating an Institution called as The Lokpal Bill, to bring about corrective measure.

The Lokpal Bill, is basically a proposition to create an independent body called,  The Lokayukt, that would be empowered to speedily investigate, any matters of irregularities brought to it's notice, without the need of prior government permission and thereafter submitting a report for action. 

The Debate that is going on is because : 

1) Of the lack of consensus on some proposals in the drafts of the aforesaid bill, as proposed by the Govt. Of India and that proposed, by a group of activists working for the cause, spear headed by a Gandhian, Anna Hazare. for example - whether to bring The higher judiciary & The prime minister within the preview of the bill?

                                 - the kind of punishment that should be decided once a person is found guilty, 

                                  - the kind of powers and autonomy that the lokayukt would have, 

                                  -how the lukayukt/lokayukt committee would be elected And 

                                  -how will the Lolayukt execute their proposed powers.

2) Because their is a doubt in the people, As to how can a Lokayukt maintain integrity in a rotten system, which in the first place led to the need of a Lokayakut. A fear in the minds, that Lukayakut might just end up joining the ever enlarging list of failed/corrupt institutions and because of the inherent structure of the bill, even an Independent and unchecked body of corruption.

The purpose of this post is neither to debate the Lokpal Bill, it's worth, or which group of thought is right or wrong, nor to go into the depth of issues concerned with it, rather it is to highlight a more important and alarming fact, which has been lost in all this ruckus..

                 That yes, there is no denying that 'Fighting corruption', is probably the biggest and most important problem that lies before our Nation today to continue it's functioning, but what is more important is, is addressing the root cause from where this monstrous growth is arising, and that is   :

" An overall degradation in the ethical and moral structure of the very people which constitute this Nation.  It is the time when we as individuals need to turn within ourselves for a major introspection. An introspection, of our ever enlarging egos, for our growing lack of respect for value of hard work, of our unchecked wants beyond our earned means, because we live in a nation which is suffering, in every aspect, with the problem of too few resources for too many people creating a wide divide of those who have a lot and those who have meager none."

And Unless this happens, bring as we many as we might laws, institutions, the monster of corruption shall fail to be defeated. And even as I write, I fully understand how naive and theoretical this suggestion sounds, I would still suggest, look into the individual that lives within,  remember that Individuals and societies coexists in a balance that forms a nation. That a nation moves on the wheels of it's individuals and not vice-versa. We can continue to lie to ourselves, continue justifying our wrongs in the names of need for survival in a worthless system, but the truth is, that We ourselves are responsible for the worthlessness of that System.

                     The choice lies with us. And there always is a choice. It's for us to choose now.

This independence came at the price of the blood of millions and we owe not just to them but to the generation that shall come after us, the answer to the question as to 'What we did with a legacy we were handed?'

Me and The struggling myself

It's been a while...I have been struggling with myself...I have been bugged, bothered, angry, low, disgusted...with myself, with if not many then atleast a few people around me....I have been struggling to find comfort, peace and understanding about myself and my life....none are coming....I tried drowning myself in work....It did not work....I tried drowning myself in books, in random things, cooking, painting...even plainly doing nothing....but nothing worked.....

                          My problem basically is and I think always has been that " I Want..."

I always seem to be wanting...I have....but I want more than what I have, if I don't want more then I want answers...I am just obsessed with wanting, never content forever ranting.

I have parents, who love me and care for me...but I want more...I want 'em to understand me...I want 'em to look at life through my eyes..appreciate my perspective, which is seemingly different from their own...and still love & care for me.....the conflict arises I try and talk..but I am too impatient and a bit angry and they are too unyielding, one thing leads to another..and the struggling begins...

I have people around me who care...who are around...but I want more...I want friends who I can count on...whom I can share with....on whom I can assert..I can't find any..I feel let down...and I wish...

I wanted to be a doctor...I am one...I don't want to be just a doctor...I want to be so much more..do so much more..be an artist, a writer, a dancer, a cook, a violinist, a kindergarten teacher, a traveller....I feel I made a wrong choice stepping into the shoes of a doctor..not 'cuz I lack the expertise..but 'cuz I lack the devoted consistent commitment to be a doctor...I feel lost...I feel foolish, unsure....and I struggle..

And then again..I just wonder why do I struggle so much with my life...I know I have more than many...why can't I take it as it is, like so many others do and go on...Why can't I remain happy with what I have?...I have learnt that life always knows the best for it's children, it puts us through only that much which it knows we can carry and it puts us where..we can do best what it wants us to...knowing and understanding all this...I still struggle with life...'cuz I just don't seem to find answers for why is all that is happening, happening...could life not have found a better and perhaps an easier way...I don't seem to understand a few things, why in the first place did life had to make me so discontent ...I struggle to understand...

I came across this post http://suz-beginagain.blogspot.com/2011/07/from-may-sartons-well.html today and a few questions started to make sense....
                 
                         Life I believe works through distillation i.e. the process of first heating a mixture to separate the more volatile from the less volatile parts, and then cooling and condensing the resulting vapor so as to produce a more nearly pure or refined substance......
                                           
 In life's processing the mixture is us, you, me all of us....it works on us slowly...separating the more volatile (in our case useless, maybe even harmful bits of our characters) from the less volatile (things that are better for us, making us less prone to self combustion!!!)....gradually and gradually cooling us through it's cold, at times harsh ways till the time is right.....to bring to light the refined, pure being that lies beneath all the muck....the being that It knew lay within, the being it had faith in , a faith that never wavered.


All we need to do is believe in the faith that life has in us...hold on to life's persistent prodding hand...not to struggle against life's flow...but to flow with it, I have struggled against the flow reached where I wanted to, only to learn, that it would have been better had I flown along...to believe that even if we can't see it at the moment...the road lies just beyond the next bush obscured from our sight...to just keep walking step by step, holding on to the faith...that


                          "Life like all mothers, knows the best for each of it's children and will always take care of it's children, it will let go only when it knows that we can handle the road that lays ahead and even then, it will always be just behind us to pull us up on our feet, if we shall stumble"


I know easier said, than done....but I shall keep the thought in my heart, hold on to it when nothing shall seem like....and struggle on instead of despairing....I shall keep moving. 


                                                    I Will Believe

Randomness

I am just learning
and all my life,
I shall only have learnt
every passing moment, 
every passing day, 
year after year,
that i shall have lived.

Randomness

To live,
To learn,
To love,
To laugh,
To spread "The Joy" with which I have been blessed
                   wherever I go
Let this be my Symphony.

Wrote this after reading the poem Symphony posted by Relyn here http://comesitbymyfire.blogspot.com/2011/03/sunday-morning-poetry_27.html

25.03.2011

25.03.2011

My birthday, another year of life gone by, another year to look forward to, to try and live my dreams, bring them true, to try and give back to life at least a bit more than what it gave me.

Had a great time, when I least expected to, felt loved and blessed to have people around me who love and care for me the way they do, in their own ways, sometimes I fail to understand them, fight with some, sometimes I fail to even acknowledge a few. In my greed to have much more, I sometimes slight the treasures that I already have in form of friends and family, but life never forgets to send me happy reminders :). This reminder was the beautiful gift life gave me this birthday.

I am thankful to be so blessed and loved. Thankful to life for being so kind to me, for the miracle of my existence, for taking such good care of me, for filling my life with the presence of so many who care so much. 

And I hope I give back to u, life at least a bit of what I have been gifted.

I Believe...

That the answer to those questions about life we keep coming across or asking ourselves time and again lie in :

Looking at life with the eyes and mind of a child, full of curiosity, curiosity not to understand life, but the curiosity of what life has to offer in return of the blind faith the child has placed in life.

Randomness

Keep still, my heart,
Nor ask for peace, when care may suit thee best,
Nor ask for love, nor joy, nor even rest,
But be content to love, whate'er betide,
And maybe love will bring thee to Love's side 


- Cheiro

Being me

(My apologies for the length of this post, to any one who does read this!!, I don't think there will be many)

I remember being 15 days into 2011 (the year of the rabbit) and feeling like I had already lived through an entire year and dreading the rest of the year that was to come, Now having lived through 2 months of 2011 I wonder if I will scrape through this year intact and sane, chances are looking dim...

In these two months, the major emotions that have been on my mind, have been, 

Massive confusion, the feeling of hanging by the pendulum in between choices, where u know that one isn't very healthy for you and the other though healthy isn't what u would like to live with (I for some unfathomable reasons have the tendency to go for the fatalistic choices for the purpose of my joyful existence!!, I guess I was born in the year of the Mad hatter)

Growing helplessness, hopelessness & irritation having to deal day in and out with a family which on the pretext of love & concern is increasingly becoming more and more limiting, hindering and irrational. I can't turn my back on them for all the love I have for them and all that I owe to them and I can't go on living a compromise for the sake of them.

Somebody told me I am looking to live in a perfect world, when I expect my family to be understanding (considering I am a female species living in a country like India, with parents who are educated forward looking blokes, but are hard core conservatives when it comes down to walking off the set line.), the person told me living is a compromise, Family when it comes to family, World when it comes to world.

My question is Why? I have no answer. I can understand compromising in the world, they are strangers, U don't expect them to understand you, with them U have to fight for your terms and conditions (but, I have come across quite a few angelic strangers) but Why does one has to compromise to make people who are your own happy, Isn't love and concern supposed to releasing as against binding and holding u back from living your dreams? I think the problem lies in expecting or expectations (as a stranger on a random encounter had once told me)

And before somebody thinks, that I have forgotten my blessing, no I haven't, I know I am more blessed than many, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try and wish to be more blessed. 

All in all, I am, off late feeling like a jerk, a hard core selfish, self centered person. I think the problem lies not with others but with me, that I am plain incapable of adjustments, understanding, being happy or sustaining relationships. Gosh! I so hate myself for being me.

change

life goes on, 
joy comes by, so does sorrow 
love touches and passes by 
seasons come and go by,
people walk in and walk away,
only u remain changed, 
and yet chained
till death finally comes by.

‎...the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~Walt Whitman, "O Me! O Life!" .


 Make it a beautiful verse, 
one that when touches the eyes, makes 'em smile, 
when spoken sounds like a melody,
when heard sounds like joyous hope,
and touches one and all with a healing tenderness.

The Conflict

Off late I have spent more time worrying, thinking, dejected, confused and irritated than happy and content. I have not a had a moment's peace or bliss. It's like there is a storm brewing in the ocean of my heart, mind and soul which has distorted and disheveled my calm, leaving me torn.

Why?

Because I am at war with my Ownself. A war in which I have lost my focus on how to move about in life to achieve my goals. I do not know when exactly this war started or what lead to it, but now I am in the center of this storm, beyond which I cannot see and within which I can no longer stand.

The conflict is between,

 The heart of a child, who wishes to remain a child, who looks at the world still with it's childish eyes, wishes to walk in it holding on to it's innocence, live in it like it's a playground, living everyday as a delight fulfilling it's dreams.

 The mind of an adult, who's walked into the big bad world, seen the cruel harsh reality that lies within, has been crushed by what it has seen and dreads that world. The mind which knows that to walk unscathed in this  world it cannot escape compromise and practicality. That the easiest way, though not the best and dead boring is probably the most secure.

The soul, which wishes to embrace the child, hide her away from the world, and watch her grow and flourish nourished by the innocence of heart and the delight of living her dreams. The soul, which fears for her child, walking into the world, that mind has seen and knows that her child shall not remain unscathed and yet is unwilling to let the child walk the path that the mind tells her is secure.

I have lost my focus in this war, I do not wish anymore to be a rat in a rat race of which I unwillingly became a part and follow the asses of the rest of the rats. I no longer know how to walk in this world being myself, how to fulfill those dreams with which I'd set out. The war is starting to wear me out now and I do not know for how long I can hold on.

                                               Oh Life! why can't some children always remain children.