Those of you who have been reading my posts will remember, how these days I am busy dealing with my demons, in regular words, my fears and insecurities. And by Jove! There are so many of them. Since it would be too difficult talking about all of them in one post, Instead of talking about them, I will talk about all that I have learnt while struggling with those demons.
I am my own worst critic, or atleast I used to be. When I say that I do not mean, that I am going to ignore them or refuse to deal with them, it's just that I no longer beat myself about them. I have learnt, that not all is right with us, we each of us have our own little (at times not so little) faults, but more important, than berating ourselves about them or creating contraptions to hide them ( which is exactly what we do most of the time) is to acknowledge them and then to work hard to get rid of them.
I started by beginning to love myself and by standing up for myself. That is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and we should. Because even in the worst of us, there is something special, and that special is what sets us apart from the crowd and that special is what needs to be acknowledge and nurtured. And for that to happen we have to nurture ourselves, with love, with friendship, with knowledge, with curiosity, with the right kind of people. And so did I. (Tip - In life and in love, surround yourself with people who instead of simply accepting you for who you are, make you want to become better than who you are)
And, as I began nurturing myself, I realised that most of us in life, spend a lot of time doing things we don't feel like doing, for the sake of people who are just as clueless about life as we are and yet we make the mistake of taking their word for our lives!!! Lesson learnt - listen, keep those eyes and ears open to the world, but in the end do what u feel is right. Never compromise your joy to do things that make u unhappy to make others happy. Because in the long run, unless you are happy doing what what you are doing, that joy will never come.
And so, yes I am willing to make adjustments and do things for people who I care about, which I otherwise won't, but when those adjustments start making my life miserable or when people start taking my efforts for granted, that is the time I will stand up for myself and say ENOUGH. No matter who the person be, no matter how much they may mean to me, because the most important person for me is ME.
My rage, yes I began dealing with it too, I began looking past it. I realised the reason why I end up having to deal with the rage is, because I in the first place, fail to check the cause of that rage right in the beginning, at times because I am being too polite, at others because I do not want to hurt people's feeling or at times because I really don't know how to put in words what I am feeling ( because I am socially retarded) and in the end all that accumulated irritation bursts out in the form of rage, which hurts not only me, but also my relationships. So, I have begun, by becoming vocal about my issues with those concerned and I am beginning to kill the Damn rage. Communication is a very important thing, listening to people who matter and trying to understand what they are trying to communicate is the key for successful and strong relationships. It may not be as easy it seems, but it is not difficult either.
More than often I find myself jealous of certain people and it was one thing that really used to bother me. because Jealousy is one of the most down graded emotions that exist, and it was a relief when I figured out that it was infact not jealousy that I feel, it's envy. I envy people, who in their lives have found what they love doing and are in pursuit of that, I do so because I am so lost and clueless about exactly what is it that would give me joy, joy of having done atleast something meaningful, to have made atleast a little difference in this world through my existence. The fact that I am yet to figure that out makes me miserable. (You would wonder that being a doctor I am saying this, but this is as true as it can get)
Enough for a post I believe, so the scores at the end of round 1 - Demons 0 (Ugh) Me 1 (Yay)
Oops before I forget to share, I have finally begun working on my personal project of this year, that is, To cook atleast one dish expertly everyday, and I am making good progress. So far have made tomato bruschetta, garden veggie burger, hummus, chocolate fudge cake, lemon diva cake, spring rolls, samosas, penne arrabiatta, paneer tikka, vegetable pulao, baby corn masala and no bake almond chocolate brownies, will start blogging about my food experiment soon.
And I am planning a trip again. So, till the next time you hear from, do take good care of yourself and shower your love around and on ME ;).